Saturday, October 27, 2007

Just In Time For Halloween

Yesterday, when I stepped out my door going to work, I was greeted with a lovely, big spider web in the face. Now, I don't usually mind spiders, I actually like them very much, except when they weave their webs at face height in my front walkway. Luckily, I felt the web before I walked completely through it.

"That does it, Miss Spider," I said, knocking the web down with a circular motion of my hand and placing the web, spider and all into some nearby bushes. "I think this will be a better place for you to build your web." Miss Spider wasn't very impressed and tried to crawl up my arm in the process. "Sorry, dude, you're staying here."

So today when I came home from work, I noticed that Miss Spider has a friend. It's a lovely, big Golden Silk spider. My favorite native species. Here's a pic.

I think the little beasties know what time of year it is. Who needs fake, plastic spiders when you have the real deal!

Must've Been A Savant

The stupidity of the people who live in S.FL never ceases to amaze me. The worst part is that these same dumb mofos are given the privilege of driving because the driver's test has been so incredibly dumbed down. We can't have anyone crying "discrimination" because the test is "too hard". For fuck's sake! The written test is with multiple choice answers and the "road test" is done in the DMV parking lot! It is absolutely ridiculous.

What REALLY drives me up a fucking wall (puns if ya want 'em) is the morons talking on the cell phone while driving*. The two dead giveaways are:
  1. Leaning ALL THE WAY over to the center (apparently, to hear better), and
  2. Going noticeably slower than the rest of traffic.
A few weeks ago, I was coming home from somewhere, when I got stuck behind some slow-moving arsehole in a pick-up truck. Mind, there were passengers in the bed of the truck, which is ILLEGAL here, by the way. When I finally got a chance to get around the arsehole and take a look at what was driving, I could hardly believe what I was looking at. This guy had one phone in his left hand up to his left ear and texting with another phone in his right hand and trying to steer with the right hand at the same time.

Un-fucking-believable. Just when you think you've seen everything, you are always proven horribly, horribly wrong.

*Not in the true sense of the word. The effect is more like that of putting wild monkeys in a vehicle and letting 'em rip.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Naked Pictures

My friend Mrs. PA is nuts. Last week she says to me, "You'll never believe what Mr. PA has gotten me into. He went and signed us up for that naked photo shoot down on South Beach. We probably won't get picked, though." "Oh, I think you'll TOTALLY be picked. In fact, I KNOW it."

Well, a couple days later she comes up to me all excited, "You'll NEVER BELIEVE IT!!!" "What, you got picked for that naked picture?" "YES!!!!!!" I must be a fucking psychic.

So today was the big day. About 600 people were down at the Sagamore to pose nekkid for that Spencer Tunick dude. It was all over the news- a real media circus. I don't know, it's kinda cool but I think I'm way too modest for that sort of thing even though I'm totally hot if I do say so myself. And it wasn't just young, hot folks; there were plenty of old wrinklies, too. (Mr. and Mrs. PA being in the latter category.)

All the participants are supposed to receive a print of the photo. I told Mrs. PA that she should hang hers in the guest room. It could be like one of those Where's Waldo pictures.