Friday, May 18, 2007

Dear Dogs and Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

Begging will not work, as I am a cold hearted fucker. Pressing your chin on my knee as I eat will not make me give you food. Also, scooting closer and pressing your chin harder to my knee only further annoys me; no food will follow.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster that you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will begin sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like To Complain About The Pets:

  1. They live here, you don't.
  2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
  3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
  4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college; and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
That is all.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Stating the obvious

It seems that for the second consecutive year, Miami has been voted the city with the worst drivers.

The hell you say.

And it's not just confined to Miami. (Oh, if only it could be confined, or better yet, have the Miamians confined.) It's ALL of South Florida. Miserable, fucking bastards who live here. All 7 million of 'em.

Why don't you all go back to your respective third world countries? That might help. No?

It's about time!

The other day a friend from work sent me an email saying that I absolutely HAD to call her. It was hot gossip from the office. Well, it seemed that our department head finally got shit canned!


I'd been waiting so fucking long for that day. Demented fucking cunt had it coming. If anyone ever so fucking deserved it, the abusive, twisted hag. I was doing the dance of joy and about to fucking burst, so giddy with happiness. Of course, I had to pretend like it was such a terrible thing to my friend, so that my utter raving glee would not ultimately get back to the office.

Sometimes Karma's a slow bitch.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


This one is for the two Kims.

You Are a Smart American

You know a lot about US history, and you're opinions are probably well informed.
Congratulations on bucking stereotypes. Now go show some foreigners how smart Americans can be.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Oportunities Missed

It really chaps my hide to see these "immigration" protesters out there grousing about this country's "so-called" unfair immigration practices. The fuck? The lot of you are here illegally and you've got the unbridled audacity to be protesting? Us natural born citizens should be the ones out protesting just why the fuck does our government refuses to enforce its laws. No better opportunity than now to round their asses up, check papers, and DEPORT those who are here ILLEGALLY. What the fuck is so difficult to understand? If you are here illegally, by definition, you are breaking the law.

How ridiculous would it be if drug dealers were out protesting because they don't want the police to arrest them for breaking the law?

Actually, it's not difficult to understand why the flow of illegals is out of control. The bottom line is always MONEY. Big corporations as well as other businesses like the cheap labor which leads to bigger profit margins. It's not that Americans are unwilling to do the jobs that the immigrants do, it's the fact that Americans will not do those jobs for slave wages. Pay a reasonable, living wage and Americans will do those jobs. Fuck!