Masters of Science Fiction? Don't Flatter Yourselves

Clearly I am not dead yet. I did, however, have the great grand daddy of all head colds which led to my watching more TV than usual. So over the weekend, while watching some gawd awful boring dreck, I decided to search the channel guide to see if there was anything interesting on.

There was this new programme on ABC entitled The Masters of Science Fiction. Well, I like science fiction well enough, so lets take a look. This particular episode starred Malcolm McDowell and that fake lesbian Anne Heche who I cannot stand, the nasally, smug cunt. I'd rather listen to fingernails scratching across a chalkboard than listen to her. Well, Malcolm McDowell is in it and he was in A Clockwork Orange, so lets give it a look anyway.

So the story turned out to be about an anthropoid named Jerry who was scheduled to be turned into dog food, but piqued the interest of The Worlds Seventh Richest Woman (Heche) who believed that he had feelings and therefore was a person and had rights.

Well, this story sounds a bit familiar. I believe it has already been done, this artificial life is actually human rubbish. I remember a movie called Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams with the same premise, which was ripped off from an Isaac Asimov short story, The Bicentennial Man. At the end, they showed a preview of next week's installment which was clearly a rip off of Total Recall.

So you people should probably call your little programme The Masters of Plagiarism instead of The Masters of Science Fiction, or perhaps An Utterly Boring Waste of Time. If I want to watch shite science fiction, I'll stick to the Sci-Fi Channel.

The Gay Flight Attendant

I have a friend who sends me emails of dubious origin. I thought this one was pretty funny.

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

I Have Finally Found My Calling

I recently had a conversation with Mrs. PA about a t-shirt they had at Wal-Mart. It said "Genius by birth, slacker by choice". "That is you exactly!" said Mrs. PA. "You are sooo smart and you should go back to school and stop wasting your time..." Well, I had to agree...somewhat.
I'm a total lazy arse. Well, maybe not total. I am gainfully employed, even if it's in a field that most think is beneath me. I really don't fucking care. At least I'm not on the dole with 5 or 6 kids and smoking crack. Why have a job that stresses me out and gets me to an early grave? I don't need that shit! What I do, I do for me and if anyone doesn't like it they can fuck the hell off. I actually don't mind what I do. It's easy as fuck all and I have plenty of time off and very little stress. I could make more money at it if I pushed myself, but for what? Like I said, I'm not trying to impress anyone. I think keeping up appearances is fucking wank.

So yesterday, the fucking hottest day of the year so far, 97 degrees, was way too hot to be outside. I sat around all day watching the X-Games. That is when I discovered my true calling. It's called Rally Car racing. It totally rocks. It's like baja racing in a little rice burner which is very similar to driving in S. Fla. I think I'm overqualified.

Now, could I get some sponsors? And one of those nifty little Subarus. That would be great.