Dear Dogs and Cats
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
Begging will not work, as I am a cold hearted fucker. Pressing your chin on my knee as I eat will not make me give you food. Also, scooting closer and pressing your chin harder to my knee only further annoys me; no food will follow.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster that you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will begin sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like To Complain About The Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
Begging will not work, as I am a cold hearted fucker. Pressing your chin on my knee as I eat will not make me give you food. Also, scooting closer and pressing your chin harder to my knee only further annoys me; no food will follow.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster that you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will begin sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up into a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like To Complain About The Pets:
- They live here, you don't.
- If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
- I like my pets a lot better than most people.
- To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college; and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
posted by Xul at 10:18 PM
1 Comments:
You know, your post reminded me of my brother. He could gleek to within about 3 feet with accuracy, and if you were eating something he wanted, he would gleek across the table and on to your plate and then ask "Did you want that?" while snaking his hand over to grab your now-gleeked food.
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