Lawn Maintenance and *Lawn* Maintenance
After neglecting a few things around the yard for several weeks due to either massive downpours or extreme heat, I finally made it out there yesterday to trim up several hedges that had grown out of control. It was hot, but not as hot or humid as it had been lately.
Because of Arekino's admonishments, I've been taking measures to "protect" myself. I guess I should be more concerned for my own safety. ;) One of the safety measures I've adopted is to wear pants and closed-in shoes whenever I go out to work in the yard while using power tools. Arekino doesn't like it when I wear shorts and flip-flops. ;D Of course it makes it all much hotter for me, but then again, I don't get my legs and feet all cut and scraped up from various plants and the mosquitoes can't bite through my fatigue pants. And another positive is that I don't have to spray insect repellant all over my legs. :)
So I dragged out the ladder and electric hedge trimmer and did battle with the hedges for two hours. When I was almost finished, my neighbor across the street shouted, "Only you!" to me, meaning that I'm the only one around here who can get hedges to look like so much perfection. (He has made such comments to me before.)
As I was working on the last bit out near the sidewalk and the next-door neighbor's property, I made a most unpleasant discovery--some nasty bastard had taken a massive shit into a KFC wrapper and left it on the sidewalk near the end of the hedge. This isn't the first time this dirty fucker has done this in and around my yard. One time the bastard shit IN MY YARD IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and left the towel that he/she used to wipe his/her ass. Another time this filthy individual shit next to the sidewalk in the easement IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE. And it's always a massive fucking dump like a damn horse or elephant would do. The two previous times I was forced to dispose of it. This time, since it was far away from the front of my house, I just left it. It can sit there from now until the end of time. Although I *would* love to know who keeps doing this and why they always have to do it in front of or near my house. I swear I'd follow them to wherever they live and deposit their huge pile of shit where it rightfully belongs. Fucking dirty fucker!
Anyway, back to the hedges. I was thinking that it would be a hoot to start trimming the various bushes and hedges into more "creative" shapes. Kinda like Edward Scissorhands except with me it would be rude shapes and figures! LOL I'd probably do some nice phallic shapes or tits or rude hand gestures. It would be fun to go full-on eccentric! Maybe get one of those weird Van De Gaard statues to put out front. Then peeps would think that I'm a Satanist or something. I bet *THAT* would keep the Jehovah's Witnesses away!
I find hedge sculpting quite relaxing for the most part in spite of the heat and humidity and random piles of shit. It's like an active meditation. And still having perfectionist tendencies, my finished product always looks amazing and fabulous. :D
Now...to the *other* "lawn" maintenance!
I was wondering if that No! No! hair remover thingy actually works. Because having either Neanderthals or Sasquatches in the wood pile down through the generations, I'm a bit swarthier than most with Northern European heritage. It gets to be a real chore with all the plucking, shaving, waxing and trimming. It would save a lot of time and hassle if a little device really could just zap those pesky hair follicles and prevent them from growing back. Any testimonials?
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I'm having to close comments on this post. To all the guild trolls, the pics up there are tongue-in-cheek, not actual pics of my yard. To all the spammers: Bugger off!
Because of Arekino's admonishments, I've been taking measures to "protect" myself. I guess I should be more concerned for my own safety. ;) One of the safety measures I've adopted is to wear pants and closed-in shoes whenever I go out to work in the yard while using power tools. Arekino doesn't like it when I wear shorts and flip-flops. ;D Of course it makes it all much hotter for me, but then again, I don't get my legs and feet all cut and scraped up from various plants and the mosquitoes can't bite through my fatigue pants. And another positive is that I don't have to spray insect repellant all over my legs. :)
So I dragged out the ladder and electric hedge trimmer and did battle with the hedges for two hours. When I was almost finished, my neighbor across the street shouted, "Only you!" to me, meaning that I'm the only one around here who can get hedges to look like so much perfection. (He has made such comments to me before.)
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| I am truly an artiste! |
As I was working on the last bit out near the sidewalk and the next-door neighbor's property, I made a most unpleasant discovery--some nasty bastard had taken a massive shit into a KFC wrapper and left it on the sidewalk near the end of the hedge. This isn't the first time this dirty fucker has done this in and around my yard. One time the bastard shit IN MY YARD IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and left the towel that he/she used to wipe his/her ass. Another time this filthy individual shit next to the sidewalk in the easement IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE. And it's always a massive fucking dump like a damn horse or elephant would do. The two previous times I was forced to dispose of it. This time, since it was far away from the front of my house, I just left it. It can sit there from now until the end of time. Although I *would* love to know who keeps doing this and why they always have to do it in front of or near my house. I swear I'd follow them to wherever they live and deposit their huge pile of shit where it rightfully belongs. Fucking dirty fucker!
Anyway, back to the hedges. I was thinking that it would be a hoot to start trimming the various bushes and hedges into more "creative" shapes. Kinda like Edward Scissorhands except with me it would be rude shapes and figures! LOL I'd probably do some nice phallic shapes or tits or rude hand gestures. It would be fun to go full-on eccentric! Maybe get one of those weird Van De Gaard statues to put out front. Then peeps would think that I'm a Satanist or something. I bet *THAT* would keep the Jehovah's Witnesses away!
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| Admiring my work |
I find hedge sculpting quite relaxing for the most part in spite of the heat and humidity and random piles of shit. It's like an active meditation. And still having perfectionist tendencies, my finished product always looks amazing and fabulous. :D
Now...to the *other* "lawn" maintenance!
I was wondering if that No! No! hair remover thingy actually works. Because having either Neanderthals or Sasquatches in the wood pile down through the generations, I'm a bit swarthier than most with Northern European heritage. It gets to be a real chore with all the plucking, shaving, waxing and trimming. It would save a lot of time and hassle if a little device really could just zap those pesky hair follicles and prevent them from growing back. Any testimonials?
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I'm having to close comments on this post. To all the guild trolls, the pics up there are tongue-in-cheek, not actual pics of my yard. To all the spammers: Bugger off!
posted by Xul at 6:52 PM
5 Comments:
Is A/C not a standard feature in cars as well?
Nope, it's an extra accessory because it's usually not needed in this climate.
Because of Arekino's admonishments
What admonishments are you referring to?
Arekino doesn't like it when I wear shorts and flip-flops.
I don't? I'm pretty sure I'm okay with it...
He has made such comments to me before.
Sounds like he's interested in you, you know, in *that* way. :) "Only you"... you're the only woman for him :P
he bastard shit IN MY YARD
Pardon my Dutch but: Gatverdamme! We don't even allow dogs to do that over here. It's a police matter really.
It's like an active meditation.
Is there a chance you could do it for money?
Any testimonials?
Not from me. Is hair removal a big thing in Florida?
What admonishments are you referring to?
You gave me a good scolding a while back about wearing the proper safety apparel while running power tools, especially a chainsaw. You even gave me a link to a chainsaw safety page!
I don't? I'm pretty sure I'm okay with it...
I meant when I'm running power tools. ^ See scolding about chainsaw safety above. You're so cute when you are being paternal. ;P
Sounds like he's interested in you
I'm pretty sure he's not.
you're the only woman for him
I'm sure his wife would have something to say to you about that! ;) Besides, he's OLD.
We don't even allow dogs to do that over here. It's a police matter really.
The police here are pretty useless. They won't even do anything if you actually see someone doing something illegal or catch them in the act. Been there, done that.
Did I tell you about the time at my mother's doc office? There was this homeless guy who used to come in and steal the snacks that were put out for the patients.
One day, he came in just as the office was closing. The housekeeper who was there tidying up tried to get him to leave and he assaulted her. (there is a cop who "works" a detail out in front of the shopping center, just sits in his car) The girl went out to get the cop while the homeless guy was still inside stealing and the cop comes and catches him red-handed with all the bags of snacks stuffed in his bag and guess what? The fucking cop lets the guy keep everything that he stole and didn't even arrest the guy for assaulting the housekeeper! I happened to be sitting in my car in front of the office and saw the whole thing. Un-fucking-believable!
Is there a chance you could do it for money?
I have thought about the possibility of having my own lawn service business many times.
Is hair removal a big thing in Florida?
It's big in the whole country. Latino women are especially into waxing, plucking and the like.
You even gave me a link to a chainsaw safety page!
It's possible I did that. Am I losing too many brain cells?
Besides, he's OLD.
Doesn't matter. Men are the original cougars, you know? :P
Un-fucking-believable!
Maybe the homeless guy bribed the cop with a snack? Were they donuts? ;)
I have thought about the possibility of having my own lawn service business many times.
What are the odds of this happening, do you think?
It's big in the whole country.
What do you think of it? You don't seem to like your own body hair that much.
Am I losing too many brain cells?
Perhaps. :D It struck me as kinda funny at the time. You were giving me a real scolding and were quite adamant about it.
Maybe the homeless guy bribed the cop with a snack? Were they donuts? ;)
It was a race thing IMO. Black cop, black homeless dude, Latina employees.
What are the odds of this happening, do you think?
There's a bit of start-up cost involved + legal things if I was going to make it a legit business. Good money *can* be made but it's not a guarantee. There are literally hundreds of lawn services around here. It's not a nice job as it's dirty and ridiculously hot 9 months of the year. It *might* be doable if a certain old woman was not in the picture.
What do you think of it? You don't seem to like your own body hair that much.
I wish I could have certain things permanently laser removed, but unfortunately for me, that would cost a fortune. Very dark hair can be a curse. Some things just aren't very feminine. :(
Great post. I am a little bit of a freak when it comes to my front lawn. I am always looking for ways to make it look better. Tools are very important to me when doing this. I recently got an amazing new grass catcher and it makes things much easier. Thanks for posting.
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