Depressing things that I journaled
I was reading some posts over at a PD website that I like. It got me to thinking and then to "journaling". I would have never journaled before the invention of the internet. My mother is the nosiest person I've ever known. A regular paper journal she wouldn't even give a second thought about *not* reading it. Hell, she read most of the things that my sister had journaled as we were cleaning out her apartment after she died. Letting a PD'd person get an insight into your personal thoughts is probably the worst thing that can ever happen, for then they have an endless source of ammunition to use against you. It's like giving them the keys to your kingdom. Anyway, one thing that I have going for me is that my mother is a complete technology-phobe. She has no clue as to how to use a computer, let alone get on the internet. And my blog is under a pen name and has a password that only I know.
The following is a post that I identified with and then following that is some of the thoughts that I journaled.
"My parents were always so uncomfortable to be around that you could cut the tension in the room with a knife, even at innocent holiday gatherings. They're always going at it with each other arguing and correcting each other over the silliest and pettiest of things, all the while oblivious as to how it impacts others in the room. FOO were conditioned to just carry on as usual as if nothing ever happened. How it impacted the mood and tone in the room would make my skin crawl, yet we were expected/conditioned to pretend all is rosey and bright."
This is so much like my parents. Always arguing over petty things. There was also no nurturing, only barking out orders. I wish I had a mother who was kind and nurturing and taught me how to do things in a caring way and didn't act like she was being put-upon if she ever had to show me how to do something or do some normal thing with me. My father was completely socially inept. He had no clue how to behave in any given social situation. It was so embarrassing. He'd just stand there with a silly grin and a blank look on his face. It was so obvious that he had no clue. He also was totally oblivious to the fact that exploding and raging at my mother in public was a social faux pas. That was completely irrelevant. Only getting tit-for-tat mattered. These people were painful as parents.
I remember one time at Disney World--it might have been the first time they ever took me--I was sooo happy to be there that I couldn't stop smiling. Until we actually got into the park and my parents had to immediately ruin my happiness. They had gotten a map of the park and were standing there for what felt like forever trying to decide a "game plan" (i.e. arguing/making a scene) of how they were going to go through the park. That's so typical of them--- they just can't do anything spontaneously. Can't just explore and have fun without the damn map. Everything has to be micromanaged--even fun. So I made a comment to "come on"(let's just get on with it!) because I wanted to just go and have fun. Well, they snapped at me over that, thus ending the initial happiness that I had had. They completely miss the point of Disney World. You are supposed to go there to have fun--so your child can have fun--not be miserable douches and ruin it for you child.
*
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I sometimes feel like my life is worse than death; it's like a living death. It's hell. My parents have both stolen my life and destroyed it. I can never get back what is already gone. And my mother will probably live another 20 years just to spite me so that I will be so old by the time that I am free of her that whatever time I have left, I will not be able to enjoy it because I will be too old to do the things that I enjoy or want to enjoy. One of the things that she has started to say to me from time to time is, "Oh, you can't wait until I'm gone! It's so obvious the way you treat me!" Gee, what could have clued you in? And the way I treat you? What about the way you treat me? Projecting much? This proves to me that she knows that her behavior is wrong and that she knows that it is hurtful and detrimental to me. So why keep doing things that make another person hate you? Are you that dedicated to "control at all costs"?
I am utterly trapped and in a no win situation.
On the work situation: if I was to go looking for work on my own, then I'm being "secretive" and "never discuss anything with her first". If I *do* mention a potential job, then it is poo-pooed and a million different reasons given as to why I can't work there. No win situation.
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I just read a post at the PD forum written by a regular. She, like me, had never wanted to have children for fear of ruining her children's lives the same way her mother ruined her life. [My mother also put a fear of childbirth into me at an early age which made me think that getting pregnant was the worse thing that could ever happen in the history of the world. And let me not forget that all men are no-good monstrous SOB's who only "want to *fuck* you and then *fuck you!*" and will leave you stuck having to raise a child on your own.] Her husband never wanted to have children, either. Now, they are having second thoughts and reconsidering the possibility of having a child. She is a bit older than me(by 3 years) and was asking around about the difficulties or complications of having a child at that age. Well, that really got me bummed out. I've had these thoughts myself--of reconsidering my stance on having kids. At least she has a husband and a career and they are well-off IIRC(and doesn't live with her mother). She's already four steps ahead of me there. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity. If I do, I'll be too old. I just want to cry. My life is so intolerable at this point.
The following is a post that I identified with and then following that is some of the thoughts that I journaled.
"My parents were always so uncomfortable to be around that you could cut the tension in the room with a knife, even at innocent holiday gatherings. They're always going at it with each other arguing and correcting each other over the silliest and pettiest of things, all the while oblivious as to how it impacts others in the room. FOO were conditioned to just carry on as usual as if nothing ever happened. How it impacted the mood and tone in the room would make my skin crawl, yet we were expected/conditioned to pretend all is rosey and bright."
This is so much like my parents. Always arguing over petty things. There was also no nurturing, only barking out orders. I wish I had a mother who was kind and nurturing and taught me how to do things in a caring way and didn't act like she was being put-upon if she ever had to show me how to do something or do some normal thing with me. My father was completely socially inept. He had no clue how to behave in any given social situation. It was so embarrassing. He'd just stand there with a silly grin and a blank look on his face. It was so obvious that he had no clue. He also was totally oblivious to the fact that exploding and raging at my mother in public was a social faux pas. That was completely irrelevant. Only getting tit-for-tat mattered. These people were painful as parents.
I remember one time at Disney World--it might have been the first time they ever took me--I was sooo happy to be there that I couldn't stop smiling. Until we actually got into the park and my parents had to immediately ruin my happiness. They had gotten a map of the park and were standing there for what felt like forever trying to decide a "game plan" (i.e. arguing/making a scene) of how they were going to go through the park. That's so typical of them--- they just can't do anything spontaneously. Can't just explore and have fun without the damn map. Everything has to be micromanaged--even fun. So I made a comment to "come on"(let's just get on with it!) because I wanted to just go and have fun. Well, they snapped at me over that, thus ending the initial happiness that I had had. They completely miss the point of Disney World. You are supposed to go there to have fun--so your child can have fun--not be miserable douches and ruin it for you child.
*
*
I sometimes feel like my life is worse than death; it's like a living death. It's hell. My parents have both stolen my life and destroyed it. I can never get back what is already gone. And my mother will probably live another 20 years just to spite me so that I will be so old by the time that I am free of her that whatever time I have left, I will not be able to enjoy it because I will be too old to do the things that I enjoy or want to enjoy. One of the things that she has started to say to me from time to time is, "Oh, you can't wait until I'm gone! It's so obvious the way you treat me!" Gee, what could have clued you in? And the way I treat you? What about the way you treat me? Projecting much? This proves to me that she knows that her behavior is wrong and that she knows that it is hurtful and detrimental to me. So why keep doing things that make another person hate you? Are you that dedicated to "control at all costs"?
I am utterly trapped and in a no win situation.
On the work situation: if I was to go looking for work on my own, then I'm being "secretive" and "never discuss anything with her first". If I *do* mention a potential job, then it is poo-pooed and a million different reasons given as to why I can't work there. No win situation.
*
*
I just read a post at the PD forum written by a regular. She, like me, had never wanted to have children for fear of ruining her children's lives the same way her mother ruined her life. [My mother also put a fear of childbirth into me at an early age which made me think that getting pregnant was the worse thing that could ever happen in the history of the world. And let me not forget that all men are no-good monstrous SOB's who only "want to *fuck* you and then *fuck you!*" and will leave you stuck having to raise a child on your own.] Her husband never wanted to have children, either. Now, they are having second thoughts and reconsidering the possibility of having a child. She is a bit older than me(by 3 years) and was asking around about the difficulties or complications of having a child at that age. Well, that really got me bummed out. I've had these thoughts myself--of reconsidering my stance on having kids. At least she has a husband and a career and they are well-off IIRC(and doesn't live with her mother). She's already four steps ahead of me there. I don't think I'll ever get that opportunity. If I do, I'll be too old. I just want to cry. My life is so intolerable at this point.
posted by Xul at 3:05 PM
6 Comments:
Looks like you were in a dark place for a while.
I'm going to get an early night sleep and give you a proper response tomorrow.
Nighty night! :)
I was. The old woman was in one of her mega-bitch moods yesterday. It's like being pecked by ducks. Every few minutes she had to start with some petty bullshit. She has a pattern of being almost decent for a few days and then turning bitch. It's like they are negative energy vampires. After a few days they need to "feed" again and have to cause some kind of drama in order to feed their need.
I'm going to get an early night sleep and give you a proper response tomorrow.
Thanks!
Nighty night! :)
Back at'cha!
Always arguing over petty things.
Why the heck did they ever get married in the first place? Did they suddenly become different people after the honeymoon? Just strange.
Makes me wonder how similar your mother's father is to your father and vice versa.
Everything has to be micromanaged
Must be something they got "high" on, the control I mean? Your mother going: "I'm the greatest at having fun, I'll how you all!" and you father going: "You don't control me and if you try then I'll get you for that!"
a million different reasons given as to why I can't work there.
Do you respect her opinion? If so, why? I mean, I understand that you live in this micro-subculture most of the time and that it shapes how you think about the world but you know who she is, what she is. She doesn't deserve to tell you where to work or how to live your life.
complications of having a child at that age
It does get more risky as you get older. It's probably a good idea to consult a doctor first.
Why the heck did they ever get married in the first place?
Without getting into too much detail, my dad had a job so my mother saw him as someone who could take care of her. My dad...not sure. He probably saw her as his only shot at getting married.
Did they suddenly become different people after the honeymoon?
Just my opinion, but I don't think they ever loved each other. Just a marriage of convenience. They were likely both the same assholes they always were, just that they never lived together before, now the combination can marinate and *really* get toxic.
how similar your mother's father is to your father and vice versa.
I don't know personality wise since I never met her father(he died before I was born), but as far as going to work every day and then coming home and doing nothing--same from what I've heard.
Must be something they got "high" on, the control I mean?
This is mainly my mother. She is the ultimate control freak. I think she *does* get a high from control and making people bend to her will. It's all a "high on power" thing.
My dad just went to work and then came home and didn't want to know from anything. He's like the guy that my friend Pat from work used to call the one who "wants a mother that he can fuck". My dad didn't want to be concerned with ANYTHING. He just wanted to turn over the paycheck to my mother, let her pay everything and take care of it all, cook, clean, and be his mommy basically.
At this point in my life, he really disgusts me. He wouldn't fix little things around the house without being prodded until it became an all out war, he would let things get into serious disrepair just to spite my mother. All he wanted to do was go to work, come home and watch TV, read the whole newspaper from cover to cover on Sunday, and be waited on(like his father before him).
That's why I'm so good at fixing things. It got to the point of being ridiculous and I had to take matters into my own hands when it came to repairs around the house.
Ugh.
Anyway, what have you been up to? Is the weather still fickle as always?
It has been rainy here all week, but miraculously the intertoobs haven't been wonky. Between that and doc appointments, I haven't had time to take any outdoor pics. There has been a return of the Golden Silk spiders. I had wondered where they all had gone. Hadn't seen any for a few years, only Argiope spiders. There are a couple really big ones out front that I wanted to get a pic of. And my pineapples out back. :)
***Ha! I spoke too soon on the intertoobs issue. It went out just as I was trying to post my comments! Jinxed myself!
and be his mommy basically.
That makes sense given his propensity for childish behavior. He never grew up.
That's why I'm so good at fixing things.
Silver lining. :)
Is the weather still fickle as always?
It's okay. Not too cold, not too hot. Maybe a little boring :)
You get spiders in June? We get them mostly in August. They tend to spin their webs around lights outside. It's a bit creepy.
Not too cold, not too hot. Maybe a little boring :)
Sounds perfect, actually. It is sooo humid here that you could almost swim through the air. And hot. :(
You get spiders in June?
We get spiders year 'round as it *is* Florida. They seem to proliferate in May and June. Any time you go out the door you get a face full of spider webs. I'm not kidding about that. I tolerate them as they do eat mosquitoes. I'm not at all afraid of spiders.
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