"Fun" With Personality Disorders
Bah! I really want to write a good post but I don't know where to start. I guess I'll have to put some Sisters of Mercy on and crank it up to 11.
Where to start? Where to start? Putting up with someone with a personality disorder is frustrating. There are many behaviors that they do that will make you mental and if you are not careful, they will make you as nuts as they are. I recently found a great website outofthefog.net that has a lot of resources to help me cope.
I found one particular thread that I could definitely relate to. Many of the same behaviors that I have witnessed and experienced over the years seem to be common with PDs. So I'll just go through that thread and highlight some things and then give my own commentary. (I just realized something. It's like people who have been in wars. Only other people who have experienced war can truly understand. It's like swapping war stories! LOL)
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inability to listen She tends to see the world through her own agenda. Everything I would tell her is filtered through that agenda. If it fits her agenda, then fine. If not, it gets filtered out [This is very frustrating. I'll start to say something and she is not at all listening. Then I have to repeat myself several times. Then she will reply with some thought of her own that doesn't even relate to what I just said. She either hasn't heard a thing I said or she just doesn't care because it isn't what she happens to be thinking about. It's maddening.]
They are just not 'wired' to compute the information you are giving them, no matter now many times and ways your try to explain it. If it doesn't fit their own agenda or goes outside their comfort zone in their PD reality, it just won't happen. [Like I said above.]
My mother has claimed before, that every time I speak I interrupt. How is my having something to say interrupting? This is an irrational statement. I feel it isn't necessarily an interruption. I think my mother is a very bad listener. [My mother does this to me all the time. She likes to use the excuse that if I "interrupt" she will lose her train of thought. Therefore, I just have to stand there and let her do a monologue until she is finished. That monologue could be over 30 minutes long and I'm required to stand there and say nothing.]
When my wife would get going you could not get a word in edge wise. She would talk fast and loud and get right in your face and would go from topic to topic to topic. She would tell you "she wasn't finished" or accuse me of trying to "out-talk" her if I tried to respond to the first point (by this time she would be on point number 15). Then she would start over again and start repeating herself and eventually (well not eventually) work her self into a full blown screaming rage. [This is very common with my mother. I'm also accused of trying to "out-talk" her. Then she'll have the audacity to say that she tries to have a discussion with me but I never give her any input or feedback. Seriously? WTF?]
In a normal conversation you have an exchange of ideas. You try to understand where the other person is coming from and if they have a better idea. And, you discuss things one point at a time. There is trust, understanding, and communication. [There will never be a normal conversation with a person with a PD.]
On other hand, a conversation with a PD person can turn into a scream fest once you express a differing point of view. And guess what, when you walk away they follow you. If you leave, they are waiting for you when you come back. And 20 years later, it will still be stuck in their mind and they are ready to go to war all over again. [This happened to me today. I had just finished doing some things outside and I came in to cool off. I wanted to get some water and go sit in front of the fan but NO! She had a whole laundry list of things she wanted to say and when I started walking away she got upset about that and accused me of always being rude and walking away. Well, couldn't she be accused of being inconsiderate since I just came in from working outside and needed to rest before I passed out? She would never see it that way. So I continued to my room and a couple minutes later she had to follow me up there. She literally went on for 35 minutes. I know because I made it a point to look at the clock to see how long she would go on this time. And the other thing about 20 years later? That isn't an exaggeration. They literally keep a list in their mind of all perceived wrongdoings to bring up at any point in the future when they need some extra ammunition.]
...part of my H's closing needs to end in my agreement on his terms, that use to be the end, now it doesn't always mean the end. I am not one to normally give up to end a war but it wears you down after 2 days no eating and sleeping, nothing but this craziness, it wears you down and you are just about ready to say anything to make it stop...[My mother requires agreement at the end or else it will spin off into a new argument. I usually just agree so that it will finally end. It really does wear you down.]
The other thing about the inability to listen ... it should also include an unwillingness to listen. They are physically capable of listening, if not actually taking your discussion on board. The real problem as I see it is that they don't WANT to listen. It "invades their air space" when we try to discuss something with them. [All true as I've said before.]
These days, when he goes on and on and on and on, I stay silent and zone out to a nicer place in my head. [I try to do that but it's difficult when they go on and on at a rapid pace and a high volume.]
the 1st couple words were barely out of my mouth when he would start back in with all the random "crimes" I had committed since we met. It was like he had a script. [Like I stated above.]
I remember one time asking if he's ever been to New Orleans & he said no but he didn't think he'd like it. And I said--Oh I love it there..one of my favorite places. And his response was "do you always have to disagree with me?" [My mother is like this. If something doesn't suit her likes or preferences then it is WRONG. She will go on and on about 'how could anyone like that?' and how they are stupid or whatever other insulting thing she can think of because they like it.]
I have one (NPD I think) who will never stop talking and will become irate if you try to "interrupt." I just hang up on him. He used to follow me from room to room yelling his "point of view" [Ditto.]
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if my wife were to marry someone else just like her. They could have a rage fest together. Each of them could scream and yell until their hearts were content. [I don't have to wonder. I grew up in a house like that. My parents loved to argue and have rage fests Every. Single. Day. I swear they literally fought about something every day. It's a horrible environment to be in.]
PD Island ... like Survivor ...mix of survivor and UFC [That made me LOL]
TechGuy, you have just described my parent's marriage, the private side. The side nobody sees. Yep. You got it dead on. That was part of my childhood. Screaming and yelling until they settled down. [Dittos again.]
Unfortunately a lot of people, especially PD people, tend to see religion as a set of rules. PD persons love religion because it gives them cover & self-justification. If other PD persons are like my wife they tend to be very black and white. Thinking in the gray areas is difficult. They like things to be concrete.
These kind of people give religion a bad name. It is a misrepresentation. These are actually the people Jesus opposed (the Scribes and Pharisees).
My religion is different. I don't have a bunch of rules. I have a relationship with Jesus. There is a world of difference. I answer to Jesus - not a bunch of rules. It's kind of hard to understand and it doesn't necessarily give me the freedom to sin. But it's the person (Jesus) not the rules that is going to save your soul. Therefore I answer to Him. [I agree. This all is true. They like to use religion as a tool of manipulation.]
PD's are great at manipulating (hey look what they did to us!!) and they can do it to others too - playing the victim is just one of their many behaviors. [My mother loves to tell other people how horrible I am and how I'm "disrespectful" (because I don't just let her run all over me) and how terribly I treat her. The reality is she's the one who does all the terrible things that she accuses me of doing. I really resent people who haven't a fucking clue about the reality of the situation tell me that it's not a big deal and that 'she's my mother' as if that makes it all okay.]
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*
*
Fun, huh?
Where to start? Where to start? Putting up with someone with a personality disorder is frustrating. There are many behaviors that they do that will make you mental and if you are not careful, they will make you as nuts as they are. I recently found a great website outofthefog.net that has a lot of resources to help me cope.
I found one particular thread that I could definitely relate to. Many of the same behaviors that I have witnessed and experienced over the years seem to be common with PDs. So I'll just go through that thread and highlight some things and then give my own commentary. (I just realized something. It's like people who have been in wars. Only other people who have experienced war can truly understand. It's like swapping war stories! LOL)
*
*
*
inability to listen She tends to see the world through her own agenda. Everything I would tell her is filtered through that agenda. If it fits her agenda, then fine. If not, it gets filtered out [This is very frustrating. I'll start to say something and she is not at all listening. Then I have to repeat myself several times. Then she will reply with some thought of her own that doesn't even relate to what I just said. She either hasn't heard a thing I said or she just doesn't care because it isn't what she happens to be thinking about. It's maddening.]
They are just not 'wired' to compute the information you are giving them, no matter now many times and ways your try to explain it. If it doesn't fit their own agenda or goes outside their comfort zone in their PD reality, it just won't happen. [Like I said above.]
My mother has claimed before, that every time I speak I interrupt. How is my having something to say interrupting? This is an irrational statement. I feel it isn't necessarily an interruption. I think my mother is a very bad listener. [My mother does this to me all the time. She likes to use the excuse that if I "interrupt" she will lose her train of thought. Therefore, I just have to stand there and let her do a monologue until she is finished. That monologue could be over 30 minutes long and I'm required to stand there and say nothing.]
When my wife would get going you could not get a word in edge wise. She would talk fast and loud and get right in your face and would go from topic to topic to topic. She would tell you "she wasn't finished" or accuse me of trying to "out-talk" her if I tried to respond to the first point (by this time she would be on point number 15). Then she would start over again and start repeating herself and eventually (well not eventually) work her self into a full blown screaming rage. [This is very common with my mother. I'm also accused of trying to "out-talk" her. Then she'll have the audacity to say that she tries to have a discussion with me but I never give her any input or feedback. Seriously? WTF?]
In a normal conversation you have an exchange of ideas. You try to understand where the other person is coming from and if they have a better idea. And, you discuss things one point at a time. There is trust, understanding, and communication. [There will never be a normal conversation with a person with a PD.]
On other hand, a conversation with a PD person can turn into a scream fest once you express a differing point of view. And guess what, when you walk away they follow you. If you leave, they are waiting for you when you come back. And 20 years later, it will still be stuck in their mind and they are ready to go to war all over again. [This happened to me today. I had just finished doing some things outside and I came in to cool off. I wanted to get some water and go sit in front of the fan but NO! She had a whole laundry list of things she wanted to say and when I started walking away she got upset about that and accused me of always being rude and walking away. Well, couldn't she be accused of being inconsiderate since I just came in from working outside and needed to rest before I passed out? She would never see it that way. So I continued to my room and a couple minutes later she had to follow me up there. She literally went on for 35 minutes. I know because I made it a point to look at the clock to see how long she would go on this time. And the other thing about 20 years later? That isn't an exaggeration. They literally keep a list in their mind of all perceived wrongdoings to bring up at any point in the future when they need some extra ammunition.]
...part of my H's closing needs to end in my agreement on his terms, that use to be the end, now it doesn't always mean the end. I am not one to normally give up to end a war but it wears you down after 2 days no eating and sleeping, nothing but this craziness, it wears you down and you are just about ready to say anything to make it stop...[My mother requires agreement at the end or else it will spin off into a new argument. I usually just agree so that it will finally end. It really does wear you down.]
The other thing about the inability to listen ... it should also include an unwillingness to listen. They are physically capable of listening, if not actually taking your discussion on board. The real problem as I see it is that they don't WANT to listen. It "invades their air space" when we try to discuss something with them. [All true as I've said before.]
These days, when he goes on and on and on and on, I stay silent and zone out to a nicer place in my head. [I try to do that but it's difficult when they go on and on at a rapid pace and a high volume.]
the 1st couple words were barely out of my mouth when he would start back in with all the random "crimes" I had committed since we met. It was like he had a script. [Like I stated above.]
I remember one time asking if he's ever been to New Orleans & he said no but he didn't think he'd like it. And I said--Oh I love it there..one of my favorite places. And his response was "do you always have to disagree with me?" [My mother is like this. If something doesn't suit her likes or preferences then it is WRONG. She will go on and on about 'how could anyone like that?' and how they are stupid or whatever other insulting thing she can think of because they like it.]
I have one (NPD I think) who will never stop talking and will become irate if you try to "interrupt." I just hang up on him. He used to follow me from room to room yelling his "point of view" [Ditto.]
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if my wife were to marry someone else just like her. They could have a rage fest together. Each of them could scream and yell until their hearts were content. [I don't have to wonder. I grew up in a house like that. My parents loved to argue and have rage fests Every. Single. Day. I swear they literally fought about something every day. It's a horrible environment to be in.]
PD Island ... like Survivor ...mix of survivor and UFC [That made me LOL]
TechGuy, you have just described my parent's marriage, the private side. The side nobody sees. Yep. You got it dead on. That was part of my childhood. Screaming and yelling until they settled down. [Dittos again.]
Unfortunately a lot of people, especially PD people, tend to see religion as a set of rules. PD persons love religion because it gives them cover & self-justification. If other PD persons are like my wife they tend to be very black and white. Thinking in the gray areas is difficult. They like things to be concrete.
These kind of people give religion a bad name. It is a misrepresentation. These are actually the people Jesus opposed (the Scribes and Pharisees).
My religion is different. I don't have a bunch of rules. I have a relationship with Jesus. There is a world of difference. I answer to Jesus - not a bunch of rules. It's kind of hard to understand and it doesn't necessarily give me the freedom to sin. But it's the person (Jesus) not the rules that is going to save your soul. Therefore I answer to Him. [I agree. This all is true. They like to use religion as a tool of manipulation.]
PD's are great at manipulating (hey look what they did to us!!) and they can do it to others too - playing the victim is just one of their many behaviors. [My mother loves to tell other people how horrible I am and how I'm "disrespectful" (because I don't just let her run all over me) and how terribly I treat her. The reality is she's the one who does all the terrible things that she accuses me of doing. I really resent people who haven't a fucking clue about the reality of the situation tell me that it's not a big deal and that 'she's my mother' as if that makes it all okay.]
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Fun, huh?
posted by Xul at 4:48 PM
4 Comments:
Okay, you win, your mother is much, much worse than my parents. It sounds like you're being mentally abused. Do you feel abused? Wow, talk about turning the volume up to eleven.
Thanks for sharing BTW. This is interesting stuff.
It's weird growing up with it. When you are very young you don't know any better because it is all you know. Then when you go to school and see how other people are raised or how their parents react to thing, then you realize that what you are living with isn't normal, but you just have to accept it because "it is what it is." Also dealing with PDs, they like to isolate and alienate so that you don't have much to compare to and just accept things as they are. I have lots of examples, especially after reading that Out of the Fog site. There seem to be many common themes and behaviors with PDs.
Do you feel abused? Yes and no. It is definitely abuse to treat someone that way, but then again, you have to go by 'what was the intent?' I don't think in my parents' case that they see their behavior as abusive.
Thanks for sharing BTW. Well, you said before that you wanted me to share some more personal things! You should be careful what you ask for! LOL
they like to isolate and alienate so that you don't have much to compare to and just accept things as they are
This is what many creepy cults do as well, IIRC.
you have to go by 'what was the intent?'
To some extent, I guess, yes.
Well, you said before that you wanted me to share some more personal things!
I actually hadn't made the connection. Thank you, I appreciate it.
This is what many creepy cults do as well, IIRC. That's because cults are usually led by NPDs. Narcissists tend to have a God complex, or think that they are always right/know best. They tend to think in black and white terms. Except that they don't apply the same rules to themselves as they do to others.
I actually hadn't made the connection. Thank you, I appreciate it. Well, I didn't write this post because you had said that, but I figured you'd like it for that reason. :)
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