Angry
I wasn't going to post this, but I'm going to go ahead and do it anyway. It's the accounts of my last two blow-ups with mommy dearest.
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This happened on Sunday:
I am angry with myself. Yesterday I was in the car with my mother getting ready to go to the store and had a nasty exchange with her, which seems to be the only kind she is capable of having. It started with her wanting me to go back into the house to get the Presidente ad. This, after she had been complaining all week that they didn't send the Presidente ad in the mail. When I questioned her about it , she said something nasty to me...I don't remember what exactly...then she said something to the effect that I was argumentative and deceitful(HA! That I remember because...projecting much?) and something else that I don't remember, implying that I'm a bad daughter. Then I snapped back with something...I don't remember what...telling her that she isn't so great as a mother, either. Well, I guess that struck a nerve because she fired back with a hearty FUCK YOU!!! (Proving my point, because what fabulous mother tells her daughter 'fuck you!'?) At that point, I unfastened my seat belt and started out the door. "I'm not going ANYWHERE with you!" I said, and then proceeded out the door. "Get back in this car, BITCH!" was her reply. Oh man, was I ever seeing red. I slammed the door and walked off.
I'm really pissed off with myself because I ended up getting back in the car and going with her. I'm pissed because I said on Petrichor's blog that I'd never tolerate a man calling me "bitch" even in jest, and yet my fucking cunt of a mother can call me that and I just get back in the fucking car with her and do what she wants? That's fucked up. People only treat you how you allow them to treat you, right? And yet I allow it. I'm so tired of going back to the way she programmed me to be. I'm so tired of caving in to her. I'm so tired of her always winning and getting her way because that's how I've been programmed to react. I'm so tired of feeling powerless(because that's how I've always felt). I'm so tired of feeling like I'm under an evil spell. I just gave up without a fight because it feels so damn useless. I'm so tired of all her shit.
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This happened today:
Fucking miserable cunt! Had another nasty argument with her. This time she calls me evil of all things. Projecting much? Then says, "yeah, you're evil...you like to tease the dog!" The fuck? How do I tease the dog? "Oh, you are always antagonizing him?" Hows that? "You're mean to him!" This woman is a fucking mental case. Then she has to start on with the personal attacks. I don't have 'any balls', I don't stand up to anyone. Well, who the fuck am I supposed to 'stand up' to? I fight with the most evil one of all, her, on a daily basis. Then she says she hates who I am.
This shit all gets started because, once again, she's railing and raging over some stupid political shit that I don't care about and I didn't pay enough attention to her(ie trying to completely ignore her) and I'm the MOST RUDE CHILD EVAR!!!!! (Don't you like how she STILL refers to me as a child?) And she isn't rude? Who the fuck wants to listen to the ranting and raving of a lunatic all day long, every fucking day? Then she wanted me to cut the meat of the ham, but she just can't let me do it on my own. Like everything, she has to literally stand over me and micromanage every fucking move I make and criticize what I'm doing. "Oh, if I don't tell you, then how will you learn?"(How is that not insulting?) Then when I take exception to it, I'm 'internalizing everything'. I'm so fucking sick of her constant emotional assaults and then when I get upset over it I'm 'internalizing everything.' Who the fuck wouldn't get upset by her shit? If I just took it and enjoyed it then I think there would be something wrong with me, but to get upset at her bullshit is quite normal, I think.
She doesn't know how close she came to me just walking out today. If I had some place to go I would have been out the door. I'm soooo sick of her shit and her 24/7 nastiness. I'm getting very close to the breaking point where I'm going to be outta here and then she can just be fucked. She drives everyone away and she is in the process of driving me away too. It's self fulfilling on her part. She drives everyone away and then she can say how we are all terrible people who walked out and left her 'all alone'. Booo-fucking-hoo!!!!! She's such a victim! Look what her evil daughter did! The evil daughter is so evil and self-centered! And evil! Projecting! Projecting! Projecting! And she isn't evil and self centered? She has done selfish things for as long as I can remember without regard for how it would affect me or anyone else. She has deprived me of a normal life. And that is not evil and self centered?
I couldn't take it. She was getting me so mad while I was cutting the ham that my heart was starting to pound out of my chest and if I didn't stop what I was doing I was afraid I was going to cut myself. So I just stormed off to my room to get away from her and to cool down. Then I started writing all this down because I feel it's a good idea to start journaling all these incidents. A few minutes later, she's calling me to come deal with the laundry that has finished. Un-fucking-believable how she can go from one of her nasty episodes to seemingly back to normal, like nothing ever happened.
Then, when I'm back in my room, she comes to start more bullshit with me, and then says I'M the one who starts it. Hello? You came to me! How the fuck did I start it? More name calling and personal attacks, then telling me I'm the one name-calling. I was just sitting here answering as calmly as possible. She's raging and projecting everything she's doing and saying onto me. It would be fucking amazing if it wasn't so sad and pathetic. I really wish I had a hidden camera to record it all.
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This happened on Sunday:
I am angry with myself. Yesterday I was in the car with my mother getting ready to go to the store and had a nasty exchange with her, which seems to be the only kind she is capable of having. It started with her wanting me to go back into the house to get the Presidente ad. This, after she had been complaining all week that they didn't send the Presidente ad in the mail. When I questioned her about it , she said something nasty to me...I don't remember what exactly...then she said something to the effect that I was argumentative and deceitful(HA! That I remember because...projecting much?) and something else that I don't remember, implying that I'm a bad daughter. Then I snapped back with something...I don't remember what...telling her that she isn't so great as a mother, either. Well, I guess that struck a nerve because she fired back with a hearty FUCK YOU!!! (Proving my point, because what fabulous mother tells her daughter 'fuck you!'?) At that point, I unfastened my seat belt and started out the door. "I'm not going ANYWHERE with you!" I said, and then proceeded out the door. "Get back in this car, BITCH!" was her reply. Oh man, was I ever seeing red. I slammed the door and walked off.
I'm really pissed off with myself because I ended up getting back in the car and going with her. I'm pissed because I said on Petrichor's blog that I'd never tolerate a man calling me "bitch" even in jest, and yet my fucking cunt of a mother can call me that and I just get back in the fucking car with her and do what she wants? That's fucked up. People only treat you how you allow them to treat you, right? And yet I allow it. I'm so tired of going back to the way she programmed me to be. I'm so tired of caving in to her. I'm so tired of her always winning and getting her way because that's how I've been programmed to react. I'm so tired of feeling powerless(because that's how I've always felt). I'm so tired of feeling like I'm under an evil spell. I just gave up without a fight because it feels so damn useless. I'm so tired of all her shit.
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This happened today:
Fucking miserable cunt! Had another nasty argument with her. This time she calls me evil of all things. Projecting much? Then says, "yeah, you're evil...you like to tease the dog!" The fuck? How do I tease the dog? "Oh, you are always antagonizing him?" Hows that? "You're mean to him!" This woman is a fucking mental case. Then she has to start on with the personal attacks. I don't have 'any balls', I don't stand up to anyone. Well, who the fuck am I supposed to 'stand up' to? I fight with the most evil one of all, her, on a daily basis. Then she says she hates who I am.
This shit all gets started because, once again, she's railing and raging over some stupid political shit that I don't care about and I didn't pay enough attention to her(ie trying to completely ignore her) and I'm the MOST RUDE CHILD EVAR!!!!! (Don't you like how she STILL refers to me as a child?) And she isn't rude? Who the fuck wants to listen to the ranting and raving of a lunatic all day long, every fucking day? Then she wanted me to cut the meat of the ham, but she just can't let me do it on my own. Like everything, she has to literally stand over me and micromanage every fucking move I make and criticize what I'm doing. "Oh, if I don't tell you, then how will you learn?"(How is that not insulting?) Then when I take exception to it, I'm 'internalizing everything'. I'm so fucking sick of her constant emotional assaults and then when I get upset over it I'm 'internalizing everything.' Who the fuck wouldn't get upset by her shit? If I just took it and enjoyed it then I think there would be something wrong with me, but to get upset at her bullshit is quite normal, I think.
She doesn't know how close she came to me just walking out today. If I had some place to go I would have been out the door. I'm soooo sick of her shit and her 24/7 nastiness. I'm getting very close to the breaking point where I'm going to be outta here and then she can just be fucked. She drives everyone away and she is in the process of driving me away too. It's self fulfilling on her part. She drives everyone away and then she can say how we are all terrible people who walked out and left her 'all alone'. Booo-fucking-hoo!!!!! She's such a victim! Look what her evil daughter did! The evil daughter is so evil and self-centered! And evil! Projecting! Projecting! Projecting! And she isn't evil and self centered? She has done selfish things for as long as I can remember without regard for how it would affect me or anyone else. She has deprived me of a normal life. And that is not evil and self centered?
I couldn't take it. She was getting me so mad while I was cutting the ham that my heart was starting to pound out of my chest and if I didn't stop what I was doing I was afraid I was going to cut myself. So I just stormed off to my room to get away from her and to cool down. Then I started writing all this down because I feel it's a good idea to start journaling all these incidents. A few minutes later, she's calling me to come deal with the laundry that has finished. Un-fucking-believable how she can go from one of her nasty episodes to seemingly back to normal, like nothing ever happened.
Then, when I'm back in my room, she comes to start more bullshit with me, and then says I'M the one who starts it. Hello? You came to me! How the fuck did I start it? More name calling and personal attacks, then telling me I'm the one name-calling. I was just sitting here answering as calmly as possible. She's raging and projecting everything she's doing and saying onto me. It would be fucking amazing if it wasn't so sad and pathetic. I really wish I had a hidden camera to record it all.
posted by Xul at 2:07 PM
5 Comments:
These are incidents, you say? How often do they occur? Do you and your mother have normal conversations as well?
It's strange, on the one hand it seems as if you both think that the other doesn't understand you and on the other hand you both seem to know quite well how to push each others' buttons. I'm not saying that you do the button-pushing on purpose but it's obvious that buttons are being pushed.
When your mother is hovering over you while you cut the ham, do you think she's afraid to let you fail (because your failure would be her failure) or is she aching to brag about how well she can cut the ham? Or maybe it's both?
Why do you think she specifically used the term "internalizing"? I think I know what she means by it but I can't help wondering where she picked up such a technical psych-babble word. Also, the fact that she uses it means that she knows full well how you react to her behavior and yet she seems unable to change that behavior.
Have you considered getting help from outside? From your doctor or an other professional? Have you ever explained to anyone (not online) what your life is like with your mother? I get the impression that neither of you really know how to improve your situation.
She has done selfish things for as long as I can remember without regard for how it would affect me or anyone else.
Like what kind of things? If you don't want to say, I'll understand.
You're NOT evil! You are an articulate, intelligent, funny and very likable person! :::Hugs:::
These are incidents, you say? How often do they occur? Seems like they're happening more frequently, like a couple times per week.
Do you and your mother have normal conversations as well? Not really. What's a normal conversation, anyway? One that doesn't involve yelling? Or is it where my mother does a monologue and then at the end I'm supposed to agree with her?
I'm not saying that you do the button-pushing on purpose but it's obvious that buttons are being pushed. This is what's frustrating. I'm willing to look at myself and see if maybe I'm doing something to push buttons. I hadn't considered that, but I'm certainly not intentionally doing something to rile her up. She on the other hand, who definitely seems to have some PDs, would never do any introspection. On the PD support group forum, what I describe seems to be a common behavior of PDs. It's crazy making. It's like I'm dealing with Jekyll and Hyde.
do you think she's afraid to let you fail (because your failure would be her failure) or is she aching to brag about how well she can cut the ham? Or maybe it's both? It seems like a control issue, or that 'her way' is the best way, therefore I have to do it her way. It's so stupid. Why does something like cutting a ham have to be micromanaged? It's not like I don't know how to do it, I used to make $75/hr carving damn meat!
Why do you think she specifically used the term "internalizing"? To be hurtful. She obviously picked it up from some psycho-babbler's show and now uses it so she can feel intellectually superior. She's always had a need to come across to people as having some great knowledge. She knows it pisses me off when she makes false accusations...who wouldn't get mad when someone lies to other people about you?...so she does it to push my buttons.
she seems unable to change that behavior. NPDs see themselves as perfect, so why should they change? It's everyone else who has the issues, don't ya know?
Have you considered getting help from outside? I don't have the money for that, and even if I did, she would use it as ammunition against me. It would PROVE that I'm the one with the issues.
Have you ever explained to anyone (not online) what your life is like with your mother? I used to talk to my sister about it, and I think she told my aunt about it, but they are both dead now and can't help me.
Like what kind of things? If you don't want to say, I'll understand. It's not something I'd put on this blog. I've been trained since I was very young to never discuss any personal family issues with anyone, but I'm tired of holding in everyone else's secrets, so if you want to hear about it I can email you.
You're NOT evil! Yeah, even my blog is only 48% evil! You are an articulate, intelligent, funny and very likable person! :::Hugs::: Well, at least you think so. Thanks for the support! Hugs back at ya!
It's funny, sometimes when I watch OUAT, it's like the writers are basing Cora on my mother. Too bad I don't have a magic mirror to shove her through. LOL
She on the other hand ... would never do any introspection.
How do you know that? I mean, you can't read her mind, right? Have you ever asked her why she is so controlling?
NPDs
I think that you should take into account that you don't have an official diagnosis regarding your mother. If you continue to assume that she has NPD then you will probably at some point confront her with that opinion, don't you think?
It would PROVE that I'm the one with the issues.
It may "prove" that to her but you and I know it's proof of her issues screwing up your life. She doesn't get to diagnose you, she's not qualified to do so.
if you want to hear about it I can email you.
I really feel like you should talk about these things to a professional but if you're sure that's not an option then okay, email me.
Yeah, even my blog is only 48% evil!
Why is that? There's a certain strength in being evil, isn't there? It's kind of rebellious and potentially destructive - which implies change and you want change. It also often implies being the underdog and being someone that needs to be suppressed in order to maintain the status quo.
Anyway, I'll look forward to your mail. I'll be babysitting this evening so I'll probably reply tomorrow.
Have you ever asked her why she is so controlling? That's completely pointless. She always turns the subject off of her.
you don't have an official diagnosis regarding your mother...you will probably at some point confront her with that opinion This is what is frustrating. All my life I've known that her behaviors cross the line of what is normal and every time I try to talk about it with someone I get dismissed or have it excused away. Then I found the PD websites. Finally some validation. It's not just me being 'over-sensitive' or whatever. Other people deal with the same behaviors, and report the same sorts of experiences. You can't know what it's like until you've lived with it. Anyway, one of the 'rules' is that you are not supposed to confront them with it.
It may "prove" that to her There are also potential legal ramifications. We have some effed up laws in this country. Talking to a mental health counselor can be used against you. Of course, I could suddenly become Catholic and go see a priest. I think that is still confidential. LOL
okay, email me. Don't worry, I won't bother you with it.
This thread
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=11571.0
cracks me up because it's the main thing about my M that irritates me the most. The comment by Kjonions especially cracks me up--'do you want to say anything' no thanks Ive given up the will to live. LMAO!!!
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