Just call me Her Smugness
Okay! So recently I've been watching a lot of TV shows like Cops and Jail and World's Wildest Police Chases as well as just finishing up a nearly 250,000 word fanfic of OUAT characters as cops. Now, I certainly don't have the personality or the temperment to be a cop, but I *have* thought about what it would be like to have the job(and random peeps think I'm a cop sometimes). Having to deal with assholes and assorted criminals and such every working day is completely unappealing to me, but the fact that I could legally tase someone who richly deserved it does hold a modicum of appeal. ;D
Anyway, I was curious as to what qualifications were necessary and what procedure one would have to take if one was interested in pursuing such a career. I did a little Google-fu and found the website for the Miami police training center. Seems all one needs is to be over 19 years of age, a citizen, a high school graduate, have no misdemeanor or felony convictions, and have a valid Florida driver's license. You must also pass something called the Criminal Justice Basic Abilities Test(I'm assuming one of the local community colleges offers this course) and pass the physical agility exam. There were also hundreds of dollars worth of fees involved along the way with each exam and you also had to pass a psych evaluation and polygraph to be able to enroll in the Academy. In all, I think it was nearly $7,000 in expenses(including tuition). D:
Anyway, the thing that interested me the most was the physical agility exam. For someone my age who is technically past prime(although I don't consider myself past *my* prime since I'm probably in the best physical condition of my life), the minimum requirements were somewhat laughable. The only parts of the test that would concern me are the running portions, since I'm notorious for my hatred of running.
There were four "tasks" on this test: 1.5 Mile run, with the maximum for a female in my age category being 16:46 minutes(the last time I was made to run a mile for speed was in maybe middle school and I did it in just a little over 8 minutes), Push-ups with 1 minute time limit and the minimum for my category being 9, Sit-ups with a 1 minute time limit--minimum being 22, and a 300 meter run with the maximum for my age being 82 seconds.
The push-ups and sit-ups minimums were so absurd to me that after I read that list last night I immediately jumped up to see how quickly I could do 10 push-ups(around 15 seconds) and how many sit-ups I could do(okay, so I did crunches instead of sit-ups, but it was late and I had no one to hold my feet--I did 100 in a minute BTW--cuz I totally have super hero abs ;P). I resolved that when I woke up the next morning I was going to do it all properly with an actual timer just to see how I'd do.
Luckily when I got up today, QoH had gone back to bed so I had the downstairs area to myself. And since the easiest way to time myself was to use the timer on the oven, I did my push-ups in the kitchen. I blasted 20 real and proper ones in about 34 seconds and then got up and stared at the timer winding down for maybe 15 seconds and then asked myself 'why are you stopping now?' and then got back down and did 10 more before my time was up. So 30 in a minute. And push-ups isn't even a part of my exercise regime! ;P
Sit-ups I can do no problem, so 22 in a minute is nothing to me. I could probably do at least 40, but I haven't tried it yet. I'm sure I could manage the running portions with a little bit of training. I could *probably* do the 300 meter run in my current condition. I haven't been *made* to run in 25 years. I *do* have a treadmill and I am curious to see how long it would take me to do 1.5 miles. I'd likely have to do it when QoH is in bed to avoid her suspicions or interrogations.
Like I said before, I wouldn't want to be a cop, but for personal smugness I'd like to think that I'm physically fit enough to do it. ;P
Anyway, I was curious as to what qualifications were necessary and what procedure one would have to take if one was interested in pursuing such a career. I did a little Google-fu and found the website for the Miami police training center. Seems all one needs is to be over 19 years of age, a citizen, a high school graduate, have no misdemeanor or felony convictions, and have a valid Florida driver's license. You must also pass something called the Criminal Justice Basic Abilities Test(I'm assuming one of the local community colleges offers this course) and pass the physical agility exam. There were also hundreds of dollars worth of fees involved along the way with each exam and you also had to pass a psych evaluation and polygraph to be able to enroll in the Academy. In all, I think it was nearly $7,000 in expenses(including tuition). D:
Anyway, the thing that interested me the most was the physical agility exam. For someone my age who is technically past prime(although I don't consider myself past *my* prime since I'm probably in the best physical condition of my life), the minimum requirements were somewhat laughable. The only parts of the test that would concern me are the running portions, since I'm notorious for my hatred of running.
There were four "tasks" on this test: 1.5 Mile run, with the maximum for a female in my age category being 16:46 minutes(the last time I was made to run a mile for speed was in maybe middle school and I did it in just a little over 8 minutes), Push-ups with 1 minute time limit and the minimum for my category being 9, Sit-ups with a 1 minute time limit--minimum being 22, and a 300 meter run with the maximum for my age being 82 seconds.
The push-ups and sit-ups minimums were so absurd to me that after I read that list last night I immediately jumped up to see how quickly I could do 10 push-ups(around 15 seconds) and how many sit-ups I could do(okay, so I did crunches instead of sit-ups, but it was late and I had no one to hold my feet--I did 100 in a minute BTW--cuz I totally have super hero abs ;P). I resolved that when I woke up the next morning I was going to do it all properly with an actual timer just to see how I'd do.
Luckily when I got up today, QoH had gone back to bed so I had the downstairs area to myself. And since the easiest way to time myself was to use the timer on the oven, I did my push-ups in the kitchen. I blasted 20 real and proper ones in about 34 seconds and then got up and stared at the timer winding down for maybe 15 seconds and then asked myself 'why are you stopping now?' and then got back down and did 10 more before my time was up. So 30 in a minute. And push-ups isn't even a part of my exercise regime! ;P
Sit-ups I can do no problem, so 22 in a minute is nothing to me. I could probably do at least 40, but I haven't tried it yet. I'm sure I could manage the running portions with a little bit of training. I could *probably* do the 300 meter run in my current condition. I haven't been *made* to run in 25 years. I *do* have a treadmill and I am curious to see how long it would take me to do 1.5 miles. I'd likely have to do it when QoH is in bed to avoid her suspicions or interrogations.
Like I said before, I wouldn't want to be a cop, but for personal smugness I'd like to think that I'm physically fit enough to do it. ;P
posted by Xul at 8:45 PM
21 Comments:
and random peeps think I'm a cop sometimes
Why do you think that is?
the fact that I could legally tase someone
Which is of course the main reason that people choose a career in coppery. ;P
I'm notorious for my hatred of running
When was the last time you ran for any significant distance (aside from that mile in middle school)?
I'd likely have to do it when QoH is in bed to avoid her suspicions or interrogations.
Why would she have suspicions? She knows you exercise, right? Walking on the treadmill is just another form of exercise.
I wouldn't want to be a cop
Although it would be nice to know there's at least one good cop out there. :)
Why do you think that is?
I guess it's the way I carry myself(posture, demeanor).
When was the last time you ran for any significant distance
That time in middle school. ;P I think we had to do some mandatory Federal evaluations or something. At the time, me and another girl who did gymnastics were the top 2(me because I was in kung fu at the time). I really, really hate running. The fact that I've refused to do so for 25 years is a bit of an indication. ;P ;D
Why would she have suspicions?
Because she's NPD and they are suspicious of *everything*. She'd accuse me of "meeting someone online".
She knows you exercise, right?
I usually lift weights in my room without her interference. I like to do what I do without her around. I mean, yeah, it's kinda obvious that I work out, but I don't need her questioning a seeming escalation in my working out activities.
Although it would be nice to know there's at least one good cop out there. :)
Thanks! :)
There was one episode of Wildest Police Chases where the poor cop had to arrest a naked dude who was jogging down the sidewalk. D: The first thing I thought was 'he needs hazard pay' and then the second thing I thought was 'I'd *definitely* use the taser!' The cop got out of his car, chased the guy for a bit(naked dude wouldn't stop), and then tased him. LOL *That* got him to stop! Funny but gross. I wouldn't want to have to deal with some sweaty smelly naked drug-addled dude with his junk on display for all the world to see. Just no.
I wouldn't mind being a police sniper, though. I've always been good with shooting. :)
Other jobs I wouldn't want would be working for the coroner or medical examiner, working in the jail, or working as a crime scene cleaner. D: D: D:
I really, really hate running.
Can you explain why you hate it?
She'd accuse me of "meeting someone online".
That reminds me, a couple of weeks ago my mother had apparently come to the conclusion that I have a habit of talking to people on the internet. I just laughed. She must have heard me talking to myself, which I do fairly often, and thought that I was talking to someone else. :)
I don't need her questioning a seeming escalation in my working out activities.
Does that mean that you have a very strict routine at home and nothing ever changes?
Funny but gross.
Yes, tasing people merely because they're walking around naked is pretty gross.
I've always been good with shooting.
At paper targets, I hope? ;P
Can you explain why you hate it?
I may have told you before. I know I discussed it with my friend C from work(she was a retired PE teacher)who was very understanding and validating.
Anyway, IIRC, we had a structured PE class in my school from 1st through 8th grade. The kindergarten kids just went to the playground and there was no PE in high school. Anyway, I'm sure I mentioned it before, but from 1st grade through(I think) 3rd grade we had 2 awful closeted lesbian PE teachers(one was a hermaphrodite I'm fairly certain) who had the personalities of Marine Corp drill sergeants. We always had to run laps at the beginning of class and on Wednesdays we just ran laps for the duration of the class time. I especially hated Wednesdays. I always had problems with running as I always got bad stitches in my side after a couple laps. Always. It was never something I grew out of.
Anyway, the one teacher was into corporeal punishment. I got paddled once every year because of stupid shit that she deemed fitting for a paddling. So 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade that happened. I think it was also in 3rd grade that she had the wrong person paddled(someone whose parents had clout with the school)and their parents raised a stink and got her fired. And there was much rejoicing! ;D
Anyway, I don't recall who taught PE for 4th and 5th grade, but we had another awful lesbian for 6th grade who was the biggest bitch. In 7th grade we finally had a straight female PE teacher who was kinda ditsy who we nicknamed The White Rabbit. I don't remember why that nickname was chosen. Then in 8th we had a closeted lesbian(Miss A) who was actually pretty cool.
I only ever liked The White Rabbit and Miss A. My friend C was very validating about my experiences and said that the running on Wednesday thing was in her opinion just lazy "teaching" on their part and that all doing shit like that does is make kids hate PE. (Yeah, succeeded here! On the running part, anyway. I always loved the rest of PE class ie sports and games.)
The running laps at the start of class always remained, though. If we had class in the gym, it wasn't so bad, but if we had class outside it was usually miserable. 90 degree heat and 85% humidity really sucks to run in. Also, what passed for a football field was all full of weeds and "gopher holes" and dirt and generally in a really shitty condition. So running out there usually resulted in twisted ankles and you got filthy from all the dirt. Hot, sweaty, and covered in dirt. Fucking miserable! >:(
...I have a habit of talking to people on the internet.
Busted!!! LOL ;P
Does that mean that you have a very strict routine
Yep. And I forgot to mention that I did the sit-ups on Monday. First I tried to do them in my bed, but since it is memory foam it was like doing them in quicksand and I only managed 20. After QoH went to bed, I did them downstairs with the help of putting my feet under a piece of furniture. I manage 30 in one minute. The next day my lower abs were killing me(still are). My pecs and inner triceps hurt, too. So I'm obviously lacking in those areas and will have to incorporate sit-ups and push-ups into my routine.
tasing people merely because they're walking around naked is pretty gross.
No it's not. The guy was high and was a potential danger(like the one who attacked the homeless guy and ate his face). Tasing is non-lethal.
At paper targets, I hope? ;P
And cans, shooting galleries, and vermin. :)
one was a hermaphrodite I'm fairly certain
That seems an odd thing to be certain of. ;P
the one teacher was into corporeal punishment.
:o WTF? #$%@#% barbarians!
So 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade that happened
Do you think that that's why you are into exercising more than most people?
I wonder of the paddling thing was some kind of sexual fetish for that PE teacher.
The guy was high and was a potential danger
Just being high doesn't make someone a potential danger. But if he was dangerous than the use of a taser was warranted, I'd say. If he was just walking around naked then there was no reason to tase him.
Tasing is non-lethal.
People have died after having been tased.
That seems an odd thing to be certain of. ;P
You never saw him/her/whatever. My theory is that h/h/w was born with both sets, and back then when that happened they just made everyone that was born like that a girl since that was easiest. The grown result was was looked like a man with boobs. All of us kids thought it was a man with boobs. Of course, we could never say that out loud(only talking amongst ourselves)as it would have been severely punished.
:o WTF? #$%@#% barbarians!
They were. Bunch of Nazis(or that black pedagogy thing).
Do you think that that's why you are into exercising more than most people?
No. I *really* got into exercise after visiting a friend that I had went to school with. She had gotten fat and out of shape and the husband was fat, too. And then all the other peeps from school that I had run into had also gotten fat and gross. I resolved that I didn't want to end up like that. And if I ever decided to attend one of those HS reunions I could go and be smug as hell because I would look better than I did in HS. ;P
I wonder of the paddling thing was some kind of sexual fetish for that PE teacher.
She had a German surname. Ya know how those Germans are into kink. ;P
Just being high doesn't make someone a potential danger.
I think this episode was filmed during the time when there was the "bath salt" epidemic going on where they strip off their clothes and then attack and try to eat people. Also, peeps who are high on cocaine can be very dangerous. They showed one episode where the guy had smoked crack just before the officers stopped him and then he fought the 2 officers. He was successfully fighting 2 male officers and they were punching him in the balls and tasing him and it wasn't even phasing the guy.
People have died after having been tased
And people die from falling out of bed. ;)
What are you up to this week? Is it still cold? Had any good walks?
BTW, what do you find so offensive about nekkid peeps getting the taser? Do you like to go for nekkid jogs or something? ;P ;D
BTW2: I forgot to mention that I unburied an old exercise mat from the basement hoard and used it last night to do my push-ups and sit-ups after QoH went to bed. And I found that I can use my 20 pound dumbbell to hold my feet. :)
they were punching him in the balls and tasing him
And I'm sure they thought that was the intelligent approach.
And people die from falling out of bed.
If they sleep on top of Mount Rushmore maybe, yes. If you push someone out of their bed and they die then isn't that involuntary manslaughter? I wonder what the minimum number of years in jail time that is? And then there's the added issue of having caused someone's death. I'd feel really bad about that. I don't take risks with other people´s lives if I don't have to.
Do you like to go for nekkid jogs or something?
Yes. Yes, I do. :)
I found that I can use my 20 pound dumbbell to hold my feet.
They do say having limitations makes people more creative. :)
Ya know, I neglected to mention that the trans PE teacher looked like a cross between Sam Kinison and Rodney Dangerfield--Sam's hair and face on Rodney's body.
Yes. Yes, I do. :)
That's what I thought. ;P
In other news, I got a gig for next Friday. :)
BTW, a couple weeks ago I queued up 3 of those SomeEcards thingies for your B-day. I apologize in advance. ;P
I got a gig for next Friday. :)
Cool. What kind of gig is it?
I apologize in advance. ;P
I assume I'll receive those cards on my B-day? Then I'm not quite ready to accept your apology yet. ;)
What kind of gig is it?
A shabbat dinner. The daughter of a previous client called from NY and said that she wanted to do a dinner for her parents. They're both pretty old--probably in their 80's--and the mother is getting feeble. They had to hire a home aide for her. I guess the daughter wanted to do a nice dinner just in case her mother dies soon. That would be a shame. The lady is especially nice.
I assume I'll receive those cards on my B-day?
If I did everything correctly. I'm assuming it was Eastern Standard Time that they were using, so they should be delivered very early in the morning on your B-day. And they should be read in the order that they are received. :)
Last night I was watching a new show called 'Off The Map With Shannen And Holly' which is a show about Shannen Doherty and Holly Marie Combs(I think they were on Charmed?)traveling around the country and visiting interesting places. One of the best places they went to was Louisville Megacavern. There was an awesome zipline and a bike course there. Whoever owns the place and came up with the concept is a freakin' genius. I think I'm going to have to add it to my bucket list. :)
(I think they were on Charmed?)
They were, yes. HMC was always my favourite witch on that show BTW. :)
I think I'm going to have to add it to my bucket list.
I does look pretty spectacular. Or colorful anyway. I gather that you are not afraid of heights then? What's the heighest you've ever been?
How did you get that gig BTW? How did those people find out about your services?
HMC was always my favourite witch on that show BTW. :)
I think when Charmed first came out I was working waaay too much to be able to follow a serial show like that. I've seen HMC in other things before and liked her. I like this show. They are BFFs IRL and they both seem like cool chicks.
I gather that you are not afraid of heights then?
Nope.
What's the heighest you've ever been?
Highest elevation: >6,000 feet. Highest building: >40 stories(had a gig at a huge-ass condo building off of Brickell downtown). The chair lift at Ghost Town in the Sky in Maggie Valley, NC, was pretty high. When you looked back down you were like, "Holy shit! This is high!" Also, the "chimney" portion of Chimney Rock in NC is pretty high up, too.
How did you get that gig BTW?
Worked for the lady's parents a few times. I think they got our name from a cook that we know who works for a Kosher store that they go to.
Hi there, I seem to have run out of words. I'm still playing warframe and it's still my birthday tomorrow and I'm still looking for a good psychotherapist but nothing else is going on in my life. Anyway, I hope your weekend was nice. :)
Hi, I'm here again. Thank you very much for the birthday cards you send. There's nothing to apologize for BTW, those cards were legitimately funny. :)
Ah, good. Glad you liked them. :)
Soooo, how'd your day go? Did you get any cake or presentsezzz? Any kidlets come to shake your hand and tell you you're reeeeeally old? ;P
Hmm, you only got the one card? I was pretty sure I sent 3.
you only got the one card?
I got two. I don't know where the third went.
how'd your day go?
Less quiet than I expected. My sister and her kids showed up unexpectedly.
Did you get any cake or presentsezzz?
Appelflappen, yes, but no presents. I didn't expect to get any.
Any kidlets come to shake your hand and tell you you're reeeeeally old? ;P
Yes, one or two did. One of them redeemed himself by claiming I look only 40 years old rather than 47. ;P
But enough of me, how was your weekend? :)
I don't know where the third went.
Me either. Okay, I know ya got the one about me 'taking time out of doing nothing to send ya a card', did you get the one about the 'anniversary of you rubbing against your mom's lady bits'? ;P I don't remember what the other one was.
My sister and her kids showed up unexpectedly.
Eeeeeeexcellent! Can always count on your sis and the kidlets to shake up your life a bit. ;D
I look only 40 years old rather than 47. ;P
Good save. ;)
But enough of me, how was your weekend? :)
The same as any other day. Went to the store and did some laundry. Today however...
...I decided that my room had finally reached the tolerable limit of dust and crud and went about vacuuming it up. The fan that sits on my dresser that I use for white noise while I sleep I had to take apart and wash the blade and grills outside. The ceiling fan had an exceptional accumulation of dust as it never gets used. I managed to vacuum off one dresser and all the crap on it and then the valance over the window. I think next I'm going to do all the do-dads and assorted crap on my wall units. :)
Okay, it was 'celebrating the day your face rubbed against your mom's vagina' to be exact. You're welcome. ;P ;D
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