How the big blow-up started
(If you have not read my last comment on the last post go read it now. That will get you caught up before reading this post. I really had intended to write something fun today, but with my mother that is a near impossibility.)
Yesterday(Monday), I had to take my mother for her weekly doc visit. When I pulled into the parking lot, I remembered that I had forgotten to get her handicapped placard from her truck whe I was doing car musical chairs. Well, you would think that it was the worst thing that ever happened in history from her reaction. She screamed and ranted at me and called me names including a "little twit". I told her, "Well, if I'm a twit then you're a twat!" She didn't like that very much and continued her ranting and raving and had the audacity to say that I'm 'disrespectful'. There goes that projecting again.
But guess what? There were no handicapped spots available, as the parking lot was quite full. The only spots available were a few at the end of the parking lot a good distance from her doc's office. I went down there, pulled into a spot and then backed out again because it appeared that someone was coming out a bit closer. I went down there and pulled into that spot. Guess what? Not good enough! It was indeed closer to where she had to go but she didn't want to be parked in front of the beauty supply shop because of 'too much foot traffic'. Aaargh!!! So I had to back out and go back to the original spot at the other end of the parking lot. And then THAT spot wasn't good enough! She wanted me to back out and go two spots over because it was under a small(very small) tree and would provide "some" shade. I was already fed up with her bullshit by then and refused to move the car yet again. More verbal abuse followed.
Then she told me that if the doctor asked me about the verdict on the Zim' case that I was to say nothing because 'they write everything you say down to report to the government.' Did I ever tell you that she is paranoid about all sorts of govt conspiracy theories? When we get into the exam room and the doc comes in and asks what we think of the verdict, guess what she does? That's right! She starts yammering on with her opinion for like 10 minutes. Such a fucking hypocrite!
While she was getting her treatment, I went back to my car to call my dad instead of going to the waiting room. I needed to tell him what I decided about my car and then complained to him about her behavior. Of course he said he doesn't know why I put up with it and that I should move out. :::facepalm::: I know all this. I only stay because we live in a very bad area and I'd feel guilty if something happened after I moved out.
After we left the doc office, we had to go to make a payment at the insurance agent's a few businesses down from the doc's. I went in and while I was in there, I told my agent(who I shall call "L")about what happened with my car and the cops and the whole situation. She wanted to come out and see the damage. Perfect opportunity for my mother to get some narcissistic supply! L and another employee came out and my mother proceeded to talk their ears off for the longest time. The employee made an excuse and managed to excape, but L ended up getting an earful for about an hour. Then her mother D(who is one of the owners, it's a family business)came out and my mother pounced on her. At that point, L managed to get away and my mother proceeded to talk D's ear off for *another* hour until she finally just turned and excused herself and walked away. My mother has no concept that she's holding these people up from getting back to their job. She simply doesn't care as long as she has an audience and can feel like she is important and "holding court".
After that, I left by driving around the back of the building and leaving by way of the side street. I had to get across the intersection into the turn lane but a big SUV came and was blocking my view. I was stuck in the turn lane area and of course my mother had to start screaming and yelling at me about how I'm "impatient" and I'm "going to get us killed" because I'm going to "continue to creep out into the oncoming traffic even though I can't see what's coming". I was creeping a little bit in the turn lane to AVOID getting hit by traffic coming to my rear. I NEVER crept into oncoming traffic or intended to go blindly into the near lane. She had me absolutely furious! I'm screaming at her that I'm absolutely NOT trying to just jump out into oncoming traffic when I can't see what's coming and she's screaming at me that I'm impatient and am intending to do exactly that. AAAAaaargh!!!
Finally, all the bastards that were obstructing my view made their turns and I was finally able to go. If I was SOOOOO hell-bent on jumping out blindly into oncoming traffic and getting us killed, why did I wait until the vehicles blocking my view made their turns allowing me to see what was coming so I could make my turn? Fucking hell!
Now....for what led to the ultimate blow-up today!
My mother comes and wakes me up(technically I was already awake, but just laying in bed thinking about some things to write for my fiction writing)so that I can take the pots and pans off the top of the washing machine and put them back into the oven so she can wash something. Like she is wholly incapable of doing this herself. She likes to use her back as an excuse when she doesn't want to do something and wants to treat me like I am the house slave.
I immediately got up and went and did what she asked me to do. Usually when I get up, I go to the bathroom for pee-pees and to brush my teeth first. Her first interaction of the day with me has to be to aggravate me with her self centered behavior. I did what she wanted first and foremost in hopes that she would leave me alone after that. Then, I went and did my morning routine and then made myself a cup of tea and returned to my bedroom.
Never being one to have any respect for me, she followed me up to my room and began talking about all sorts of bullshit about things that I couldn't care less about(She expects me to just listen in silence and not interrupt while she does her monologue which could last up to 45 minutes or an hour.). She couldn't care less that all this inane BS irritates me. She wants to talk about a bunch of nonsense and that's all that matters. Who cares how I feel! Then she got to what initiated the blow-up.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before how nasty and anti gay my mother is. She started harping on about something the insurance agent D said about a nephew of her's who is gay. D said she believes people are born that way because he always acted effiminate even when he was a small child and liked to dress in his mother's shoes and clothes. Of course my mother would not accept that. She starts going on and on that D is WRONG and if you believe that they are born that way then you also have to believe that paedophiles are born that way as well and that you would have to accept child rape because they are born that way. Then she says to me, "Don't you agree?" This is something relatively new that she has come up with and it annoys me to no end. She will throw out one of her edicts/grand pronouncements(which are usually controversial or one of her delusions) and say 'don't you agree?' and then I am obligated to agree with her. Usually I say 'yes' to try to end the torture. (BTW, right and wrong are judged solely upon whether or not they aline with my mothers beliefs. If you do not believe the way my mother does then you are wrong and my mother will go on ad nauseum about it.)
Well, I did NOT agree with her. I think it's mixing apples and oranges. At that she flew into a rage. I don't even remember what she was screaming at me as I tend to try to tune her out, but what enraged me is she starts leaning against the side of my bed and leaning over into my personal space screaming and pointing her finger right in my face almost touching me while spewing her venom.
At that, I jumped up spilling a bit of my tea, put my cup down on my dresser, and got right into her face and told her to get out of my room. She wouldn't budge. My room is quite small and the door is right at the foot of my bed and there is only a small path between the end of my bed and the dresser going to the door. She was blocking my exit and as she is quite fat she starts bumping her fat stomach into me like a sumo and then screaming at me that if I touch her then she is going to call the police. (I guess it's okay that she is the one touching me. Always a different set of rules for her.)
Like I've said before, she gets me so angry that I can't always remember everything that was said during a fight, so I'm trying to remember the series of events the best I can.
In her sick twisted mind, everything she does to me is A-Okay and justifiable, but if I argue back and defend myself, then I'm a "little bitch" and "disrespectful" (THE most disrespectful, actually! LOL) and "ungrateful" and every other name she can pull out of the Narcissist's playbook. Did I mention before that one of her newer names to call me is "genius"? Whenever she is being nasty to me and I calmly ask her if she thinks that it is an appropriate behavior she'll nastily reply, "What do you think, GENIUS?" Or something to the effect of, "You're the genius, YOU figure it out!" Always full of venom when she says the word 'genius'. I swear to God I hate that woman so much. I fucking hate her and wish she would just DIE already.
Anyway, back to the fight as best as I can remember. She's screaming at me that if I touch her, she's going to call the cops. At this point, I'm was so sick of her shit that I grabbed my cell phone to call my dad to come get me. I think she thought that I was going to call the cops myself and she tried to grab the phone out of my hand. I don't recall if I said that I was calling my dad to come and get me, but I probably did. Then she started with all her threats---that I'd be sorry, that I'd live to regret it, that she would make me pay, that she wasn't going to allow me to take any of my belonging out of the house, that she wasn't going to allow me to take my jewelry, laptop, etc. There was even the 'Why don't you just take a gun and shoot me' thrown in there somewhere, to which I replied, 'I'd never do something so stupid so I could spend the rest of my life in prison.' She'd love that. Have me go from a virtual prison to a real prison.
She still wouldn't get out of my way and continued to scream in my face. At this point I did something really ridiculous and childish myself...I started mocking her the way a little kid would do. Every word she said I repeated back to her. It got her frustrated and annoyed. Finally a ploy worked against her! She finally left in a huff and I locked my door.
She's such a venomous and vindictive bitch. I ended up not calling my father because it would only turn out badly for me just like the last time I tried to move out. She pulled the same shit with not allowing me to take any of my stuff. I had to call the cops. They were useless as always and would only let me get some of my clothes and nothing else. All the expensive items she claimed were hers even though I paid for most of them myself. The useless fucking cops put the burden of proof on me. I had to produce receipts. Really? Like the computer that she has no clue how to operate? And that I'm the only one who knows the password to? That's hers? Riiiight.
I wasn't about to go through that bullshit again. I'm still determined to move the fuck out of here, but I need to have my escape all planned out well in advance. I don't want to involve my father in this mainly because he's of very little help, and secondly, if I moved in with him, the bitch would know exactly where I was and would be harassing me non-stop. No, I'm of the Sicilian mindset that revenge is a dish best served cold. I want to get all my ducks in a row before I make any decisions. I can't just make massive life-altering decisions in haste in the heat of the moment with my emotions out of control. I want to find a steady job that will get me out of the house and buy me some privacy to take care of personal matters and I also want to get some legal advice. Then she can take all her threats and stick them up her ass.
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It is now around 11 hours after the big blow-up. I am feeling emotionally numb and empty ATM. I just finished watching the movie Mastermind. I liked it. It was very good, but I still feel numb.
Yesterday(Monday), I had to take my mother for her weekly doc visit. When I pulled into the parking lot, I remembered that I had forgotten to get her handicapped placard from her truck whe I was doing car musical chairs. Well, you would think that it was the worst thing that ever happened in history from her reaction. She screamed and ranted at me and called me names including a "little twit". I told her, "Well, if I'm a twit then you're a twat!" She didn't like that very much and continued her ranting and raving and had the audacity to say that I'm 'disrespectful'. There goes that projecting again.
But guess what? There were no handicapped spots available, as the parking lot was quite full. The only spots available were a few at the end of the parking lot a good distance from her doc's office. I went down there, pulled into a spot and then backed out again because it appeared that someone was coming out a bit closer. I went down there and pulled into that spot. Guess what? Not good enough! It was indeed closer to where she had to go but she didn't want to be parked in front of the beauty supply shop because of 'too much foot traffic'. Aaargh!!! So I had to back out and go back to the original spot at the other end of the parking lot. And then THAT spot wasn't good enough! She wanted me to back out and go two spots over because it was under a small(very small) tree and would provide "some" shade. I was already fed up with her bullshit by then and refused to move the car yet again. More verbal abuse followed.
Then she told me that if the doctor asked me about the verdict on the Zim' case that I was to say nothing because 'they write everything you say down to report to the government.' Did I ever tell you that she is paranoid about all sorts of govt conspiracy theories? When we get into the exam room and the doc comes in and asks what we think of the verdict, guess what she does? That's right! She starts yammering on with her opinion for like 10 minutes. Such a fucking hypocrite!
While she was getting her treatment, I went back to my car to call my dad instead of going to the waiting room. I needed to tell him what I decided about my car and then complained to him about her behavior. Of course he said he doesn't know why I put up with it and that I should move out. :::facepalm::: I know all this. I only stay because we live in a very bad area and I'd feel guilty if something happened after I moved out.
After we left the doc office, we had to go to make a payment at the insurance agent's a few businesses down from the doc's. I went in and while I was in there, I told my agent(who I shall call "L")about what happened with my car and the cops and the whole situation. She wanted to come out and see the damage. Perfect opportunity for my mother to get some narcissistic supply! L and another employee came out and my mother proceeded to talk their ears off for the longest time. The employee made an excuse and managed to excape, but L ended up getting an earful for about an hour. Then her mother D(who is one of the owners, it's a family business)came out and my mother pounced on her. At that point, L managed to get away and my mother proceeded to talk D's ear off for *another* hour until she finally just turned and excused herself and walked away. My mother has no concept that she's holding these people up from getting back to their job. She simply doesn't care as long as she has an audience and can feel like she is important and "holding court".
After that, I left by driving around the back of the building and leaving by way of the side street. I had to get across the intersection into the turn lane but a big SUV came and was blocking my view. I was stuck in the turn lane area and of course my mother had to start screaming and yelling at me about how I'm "impatient" and I'm "going to get us killed" because I'm going to "continue to creep out into the oncoming traffic even though I can't see what's coming". I was creeping a little bit in the turn lane to AVOID getting hit by traffic coming to my rear. I NEVER crept into oncoming traffic or intended to go blindly into the near lane. She had me absolutely furious! I'm screaming at her that I'm absolutely NOT trying to just jump out into oncoming traffic when I can't see what's coming and she's screaming at me that I'm impatient and am intending to do exactly that. AAAAaaargh!!!
Finally, all the bastards that were obstructing my view made their turns and I was finally able to go. If I was SOOOOO hell-bent on jumping out blindly into oncoming traffic and getting us killed, why did I wait until the vehicles blocking my view made their turns allowing me to see what was coming so I could make my turn? Fucking hell!
Now....for what led to the ultimate blow-up today!
My mother comes and wakes me up(technically I was already awake, but just laying in bed thinking about some things to write for my fiction writing)so that I can take the pots and pans off the top of the washing machine and put them back into the oven so she can wash something. Like she is wholly incapable of doing this herself. She likes to use her back as an excuse when she doesn't want to do something and wants to treat me like I am the house slave.
I immediately got up and went and did what she asked me to do. Usually when I get up, I go to the bathroom for pee-pees and to brush my teeth first. Her first interaction of the day with me has to be to aggravate me with her self centered behavior. I did what she wanted first and foremost in hopes that she would leave me alone after that. Then, I went and did my morning routine and then made myself a cup of tea and returned to my bedroom.
Never being one to have any respect for me, she followed me up to my room and began talking about all sorts of bullshit about things that I couldn't care less about(She expects me to just listen in silence and not interrupt while she does her monologue which could last up to 45 minutes or an hour.). She couldn't care less that all this inane BS irritates me. She wants to talk about a bunch of nonsense and that's all that matters. Who cares how I feel! Then she got to what initiated the blow-up.
I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before how nasty and anti gay my mother is. She started harping on about something the insurance agent D said about a nephew of her's who is gay. D said she believes people are born that way because he always acted effiminate even when he was a small child and liked to dress in his mother's shoes and clothes. Of course my mother would not accept that. She starts going on and on that D is WRONG and if you believe that they are born that way then you also have to believe that paedophiles are born that way as well and that you would have to accept child rape because they are born that way. Then she says to me, "Don't you agree?" This is something relatively new that she has come up with and it annoys me to no end. She will throw out one of her edicts/grand pronouncements(which are usually controversial or one of her delusions) and say 'don't you agree?' and then I am obligated to agree with her. Usually I say 'yes' to try to end the torture. (BTW, right and wrong are judged solely upon whether or not they aline with my mothers beliefs. If you do not believe the way my mother does then you are wrong and my mother will go on ad nauseum about it.)
Well, I did NOT agree with her. I think it's mixing apples and oranges. At that she flew into a rage. I don't even remember what she was screaming at me as I tend to try to tune her out, but what enraged me is she starts leaning against the side of my bed and leaning over into my personal space screaming and pointing her finger right in my face almost touching me while spewing her venom.
At that, I jumped up spilling a bit of my tea, put my cup down on my dresser, and got right into her face and told her to get out of my room. She wouldn't budge. My room is quite small and the door is right at the foot of my bed and there is only a small path between the end of my bed and the dresser going to the door. She was blocking my exit and as she is quite fat she starts bumping her fat stomach into me like a sumo and then screaming at me that if I touch her then she is going to call the police. (I guess it's okay that she is the one touching me. Always a different set of rules for her.)
Like I've said before, she gets me so angry that I can't always remember everything that was said during a fight, so I'm trying to remember the series of events the best I can.
In her sick twisted mind, everything she does to me is A-Okay and justifiable, but if I argue back and defend myself, then I'm a "little bitch" and "disrespectful" (THE most disrespectful, actually! LOL) and "ungrateful" and every other name she can pull out of the Narcissist's playbook. Did I mention before that one of her newer names to call me is "genius"? Whenever she is being nasty to me and I calmly ask her if she thinks that it is an appropriate behavior she'll nastily reply, "What do you think, GENIUS?" Or something to the effect of, "You're the genius, YOU figure it out!" Always full of venom when she says the word 'genius'. I swear to God I hate that woman so much. I fucking hate her and wish she would just DIE already.
Anyway, back to the fight as best as I can remember. She's screaming at me that if I touch her, she's going to call the cops. At this point, I'm was so sick of her shit that I grabbed my cell phone to call my dad to come get me. I think she thought that I was going to call the cops myself and she tried to grab the phone out of my hand. I don't recall if I said that I was calling my dad to come and get me, but I probably did. Then she started with all her threats---that I'd be sorry, that I'd live to regret it, that she would make me pay, that she wasn't going to allow me to take any of my belonging out of the house, that she wasn't going to allow me to take my jewelry, laptop, etc. There was even the 'Why don't you just take a gun and shoot me' thrown in there somewhere, to which I replied, 'I'd never do something so stupid so I could spend the rest of my life in prison.' She'd love that. Have me go from a virtual prison to a real prison.
She still wouldn't get out of my way and continued to scream in my face. At this point I did something really ridiculous and childish myself...I started mocking her the way a little kid would do. Every word she said I repeated back to her. It got her frustrated and annoyed. Finally a ploy worked against her! She finally left in a huff and I locked my door.
She's such a venomous and vindictive bitch. I ended up not calling my father because it would only turn out badly for me just like the last time I tried to move out. She pulled the same shit with not allowing me to take any of my stuff. I had to call the cops. They were useless as always and would only let me get some of my clothes and nothing else. All the expensive items she claimed were hers even though I paid for most of them myself. The useless fucking cops put the burden of proof on me. I had to produce receipts. Really? Like the computer that she has no clue how to operate? And that I'm the only one who knows the password to? That's hers? Riiiight.
I wasn't about to go through that bullshit again. I'm still determined to move the fuck out of here, but I need to have my escape all planned out well in advance. I don't want to involve my father in this mainly because he's of very little help, and secondly, if I moved in with him, the bitch would know exactly where I was and would be harassing me non-stop. No, I'm of the Sicilian mindset that revenge is a dish best served cold. I want to get all my ducks in a row before I make any decisions. I can't just make massive life-altering decisions in haste in the heat of the moment with my emotions out of control. I want to find a steady job that will get me out of the house and buy me some privacy to take care of personal matters and I also want to get some legal advice. Then she can take all her threats and stick them up her ass.
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It is now around 11 hours after the big blow-up. I am feeling emotionally numb and empty ATM. I just finished watching the movie Mastermind. I liked it. It was very good, but I still feel numb.
posted by Xul at 11:48 PM
6 Comments:
Wow, This is just.. terrible. It's terrible to hear how she treats you so bloody awful. She deserves to be in a prison, or a nuthouse. Damn that woman. :(
I'm glad you've found the strength to think about this... person... calmly and rationally. And it's probably best to look at your situation rationally. I so hope you get out of there as soon as possible but I also hope you do it in a way that will enable you to have a better life. Things could be worse (although, I imagine, not much worse). Can you fill me in on your "Plan de Campagne" a little more?
Damn, I'm normally glad to read a long post of yours but after this one I'm not sure if I feel more sad or more angry.
When I grabbed the phone to call my dad during the fight, for a very fleeting moment I felt like I could almost taste my freedom. ATM, I'm feeling very weak, empty, hurt, confused and defeated. I think I'm having a full-blown depressive episode.
I have been reading a bit over at the PD forum trying to get some emotional support and "advice". There is a list of things they have for people who are planning their "escape". It's all so overwhelming.
I know what needs to be done but I'm a far cry from it. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.
I'd like to leave in the middle of the night and just be a missing person.
There was a story a while back of a woman who went missing like 17 years ago IIRC and she turned up in Florida of all places. And they fucking arrested her! Can you believe that shit? So if I, as an alleged adult just decided to up and leave, can I expect to be arrested also? That seems soooo fucked up!
There is no justice in this country. It's "parents are right, child is wrong" uber alles, no matter how old you are. I found that out the hard way the first time I tried to leave.
Can you fill me in on your "Plan de Campagne" a little more?
I'm too overwhelmed ATM to have any coherent plan.
I think I'm having a full-blown depressive episode.
Are you? Maybe your just overwhelmed by all the (somewhat) scary possibilities after your moment of courage?
I'd like to leave in the middle of the night and just be a missing person.
Stop that. You know that's not an option.
I found that out the hard way the first time I tried to leave.
If only you'd had those receipts. Would have made a lot of difference, I think. You can't allow your mother to use the law against you. Study the law, know your rights and duties.
I'm too overwhelmed ATM to have any coherent plan.
That's okay. The best laid plans take time to come up with. Just keep reminding yourself of your goals. Maybe you can make yourself some type of Inception style Totem that you can carry with you to keep yourself grounded as it were. Just an idea. :)
Had another giant blow-up yesterday that turned physical. I got scratched up, cops were called...they were going to arrest her but I talked them out of it(she isn't aware of that...she wouldn't answer the door when they wanted to talk to her). I called my dad and he picked me up. I spent the night at his place...had only the clothes on my back. Ended up calling my mother and apologizing even though it wasn't my fault. I'm back home now. I'll write more later when I have time.
I'll write more later when I have time.
I'm just going to assume you haven't had time yet to write anything. I, of course, hope that you are okay. I do wonder how much you were scratched up? Not to badly, I hope. Has anything changed (improved?) in your situation?
I'm okay. I appreciate your concern as always. :)
We were arguing as usual and she was making her usual hackneyed threats(You're going to get a BIG SURPRISE!!! and also something in essence of my standing up for my self being elder abuse LOL)and it wasn't getting her the desired result. I was mocking her and asking what the surprise was...I'd like it now!
That's when she grabbed me by the throat with her right hand and I instinctively did a lap-sao/pak-sao move from my martial arts training. I tried to get away and she grabbed me around the waist and wouldn't let me go. It was all very ridiculous. She weighs about 100 pounds more than me so I wasn't fighting to try to break her hold(I didn't want to put my back out) I just sort of sunk down low until she let go, then I ran out of the house and maybe 30 meters down the sidewalk.
I called my dad at that point. After that, I noticed that my right forearm was bleeding from a significant cut and I had 2 very long scratches on my waist on the left side. That got me kinda pissed and indignant and I called the cops.
Cops informed me that the law is that for a domestic violence call they are obligated to arrest someone and since I had visible signs, she would be the one being arrested.
Since she's 71, and I didn't want her to go to jail because someone would kill her ass because she just wouldn't be able to shut her damn mouth, the cops agreed and used some discretion and didn't do anything.(My momster wouldn't answer the door anyway. They could only arrest her if she came outside.)
Anyway, I asked them some legal questions. They told me since it is my legal residence, I am allowed to regain entry in what ever way I see fit ie break a window, kick in the door etc. I didn't want to escalate the situation.
They said if I wanted to come back to get my things, I could call for a police escort.
Anyway, as I said before, I'm back home now. Basically because I left not on my own terms. The timing is all wrong for me. I can't just up and leave without my belongings. Once again, my dad proved to be the asshole I know him to be and I'm not going to live with him(long story I won't be getting into just now).
It's all so exhausting. I *might* write more later or I might not. For now, this blog post:
http://aconsociety.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-epiphany-post-or-when-i-became.html#comment-form
was a good read for me and some of the comments are good as well.
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