Strange Sightings
Friday night after a long day of my mother's doctor appointment and Walmart wandering, the last stop was at the local indie grocer for a few things. I went in and got what I needed and then proceeded to the checkout. It was really busy in there and the lines at the checkout were very long. I looked at my watch and it was nearly 8pm. I was like, 'why the hell is it so damn busy in here at this time of night?' Then I remembered. It's Friday! Duh! As I settled into one line, I looked up to the front of the store to see if there were many people at the service counter because if you have under ten items they allow you to pay up there. Well, just my luck, the cashier there was just then putting the closed sign up. But the one thing that everyone in the checkout lines seemed to notice at the service counter was the young lady who was obviously a stripper!
She was wearing quite the get-up--a bucket hat, black thick-frame glasses, an old style woodland camouflage BDU jacket, garter-top fishnet stockings, and some seriously uncomfortable looking bondage/fetish-style high heels. I don't think she was wearing pants or a skirt. The jacket just barely covered her ass so I really couldn't tell. It was funny to hear everyone around me talking about her in hushed tones. My neighborhood is predominately people from the Caribbean and they tend to be somewhat religious and judgmental. The whole situation made me chuckle to myself. Ya never know what you'll see around here.
Today was quite a nice day weather-wise. I decided to go out back and do a bit of work in the yard and enjoy the nice day. The stupid fish-tail palm that is directly outside my bedroom window had lots of dead fronds to attend to so I decided to do that. While I was back there, I returned a phone call to my dad. I had been reluctant to do so because he tends to leave pissy messages over trivial shit on my phone and it really does not have the effect of making me want to call him. Anyway, I bit the bullet and called him and to my surprise, we actually had a pleasant chat.
Back to the dead frond trimming. I cut down all that I could from ground level and then contemplated going inside for the ladder. Nah! Too much trouble! I'll just climb up on the A/C unit and cut down some of the low-hanging seed bunches. So I get two cut down and go for the third and biggest one when all of a sudden something comes flying out, flapping furiously! What the hell is that? It was the size of a small bird but it was flapping away like a humming bird. It then fell to the ground. That's when I realized what it was--a big-ass moth! Holy crap, that was a huge moth! I think it was probably the biggest one I have ever seen. It was freakishly large. It reminded me of the Mothman of Point Pleasant. What a creepy looking bastard! I jumped down to get a closer look but the thing suddenly recovered and flew off like it was jet propelled. Ah well, at least it wasn't a snake. ;P
She was wearing quite the get-up--a bucket hat, black thick-frame glasses, an old style woodland camouflage BDU jacket, garter-top fishnet stockings, and some seriously uncomfortable looking bondage/fetish-style high heels. I don't think she was wearing pants or a skirt. The jacket just barely covered her ass so I really couldn't tell. It was funny to hear everyone around me talking about her in hushed tones. My neighborhood is predominately people from the Caribbean and they tend to be somewhat religious and judgmental. The whole situation made me chuckle to myself. Ya never know what you'll see around here.
Today was quite a nice day weather-wise. I decided to go out back and do a bit of work in the yard and enjoy the nice day. The stupid fish-tail palm that is directly outside my bedroom window had lots of dead fronds to attend to so I decided to do that. While I was back there, I returned a phone call to my dad. I had been reluctant to do so because he tends to leave pissy messages over trivial shit on my phone and it really does not have the effect of making me want to call him. Anyway, I bit the bullet and called him and to my surprise, we actually had a pleasant chat.
Back to the dead frond trimming. I cut down all that I could from ground level and then contemplated going inside for the ladder. Nah! Too much trouble! I'll just climb up on the A/C unit and cut down some of the low-hanging seed bunches. So I get two cut down and go for the third and biggest one when all of a sudden something comes flying out, flapping furiously! What the hell is that? It was the size of a small bird but it was flapping away like a humming bird. It then fell to the ground. That's when I realized what it was--a big-ass moth! Holy crap, that was a huge moth! I think it was probably the biggest one I have ever seen. It was freakishly large. It reminded me of the Mothman of Point Pleasant. What a creepy looking bastard! I jumped down to get a closer look but the thing suddenly recovered and flew off like it was jet propelled. Ah well, at least it wasn't a snake. ;P
posted by Xul at 1:34 AM
9 Comments:
the young lady who was obviously a stripper
Are strippers a rare sight where you live? They are an extinct species in my town. I've never heard of any strip joints existing here. Never seen any prostitutes around here either. We don't even have a "coffee" shop (although the local police do find cannabis farms regularly). It's a rather boring town really. The number of senior citizens is on the increase. It just gets greyer and greyer.
I bit the bullet and called him
So how is he doing?
It was freakishly large.
Not as large as a man, surely? :P Do you get tree snakes in the garden as well?
Are strippers a rare sight where you live? It's hard to say. Occasionally you'll see some young lady scantily clad like she just came from a club or something. This one was definitely a stripper. There's a HUGE strip club about half a mile down the street from the grocery store.
Your town sounds like a refreshing alternative to the madness that is where I live. :::sigh:::
Not as large as a man, surely? Nah. Do you get tree snakes in the garden as well? I've never seen any. But I guess there's nothing to stop one from going up there.
I'm not feeling very well today. I think I'm suffering from depression. Actually, more like despair. I don't know how much more of existing I can take. My life is a kind of hell. It's like being a prisoner with no release date. I have few positive feelings left. I don't want to go on.
I don't want to go on.
What the hell?? What happened?? I mean, I guess I know how you feel, being in a somewhat similar situation. But really? Why now?
Who am I going to talk to if you give up?
On the other hand, if you don't want to go on the way you are then change. Do things differently. Find beauty in small things. Try escapism. Try radical realism. Go for a walk. Watch a funny movie. Take a rest. Meditate. Go visit someone. Eat some chocolate.
I don't know. What do you usually do when you feel this way?
Personally, I feel a lot less depressed than I used to. I don't got to sleep anymore hoping I won't wake up. It's an improvement. I like to think talking to you helped this improvement come about. Thanks. :)
I really don't know what's wrong with me. And I don't know what has triggered this. The convergence of several different things maybe. (this is going to be long)
This is going to sound really stupid, but the first thing would be the stupid fucking Kardashians. I made the mistake of watching their dumb "reality" show that's filmed in Miami. I couldn't give a rat's ass about those idiots but I like to try to identify places in these shows that are filmed around here. Well, one of the idiot sisters got a really huge version of a Cuban coffee and was going on and on about how good it was. I sometimes have the bad habit of acting on suggestions planted in my brain and thought, "Hey, I have an espresso/cappuccino maker, one of those sounds really good!" So I got the machine out and made some. The only problem is that they *are* really good and have huge amounts of caffeine and I ended up drinking two big glasses--probably a pint in total--and then thinking that I would be fine and not up all night.
continued...
So bedtime comes and I was feeling a bit sleepy but I wanted to write my blog post about the stupid stripper and the giant moth. So I do that, then for some reason I did a web search of Crazy Blogger's real name. Another bad trait of mine--I can be obsessive about stuff. I don't know why I keep looking up that fucker. I guess it's just that that person did such a huge amount of emotional damage to me...I don't know. I had been checking up on CB's blog occasionally over the years and it's all just so WTF?
This will really get long if I go into it all so I'll try to do a short version. I considered this person to be a friend--someone who understood me because we both had bad childhoods. I told CB things that I never told anyone else. I didn't realize that all along I was being used. It was such a weird 'relationship'. When we would talk on the phone it was great--we could talk for hours. But when in person it was different. Looking back on it now I think CB is very liked a sociopath with narcissistic tendencies. Just my luck. One of the things that has absolutely driven me nearly mad was that when we were together I'd suggest fun things that we could go do and CB would always dismiss them or make an excuse--don't like, dangerous, etc. I remember one time asking about camping and that was dismissed. Another time I suggested an air boat ride and that was shot down as too dangerous. Bike ride maybe? No. Skipping ahead a bit... after we were no longer friends...maybe a year or so later, I looked at CB's blog and lo and behold! The fucker was dating someone and had a big fucking post complete with pictures of their camping trip! Then one of them bike riding! And then a bit later the fucker was now working as an air boat captain! This drove me absolutely fucking nuts! I felt used in every way. I'm not good enough to do that shit with but you're going to steal my fucking ideas?
I know I'm probably going to sound like a mental case but it really made me obsessive. Just from reading those stupid blog posts I deduced where CB worked, and CB never gave specifics, but I'm an obsessive super sleuth. I don't know what I thought I was going to do with this info--I guess I had fantasies of going down there and telling CB off.
A few years ago and to my relief, CB moved out of state. At least I wouldn't have to worry about running into the fucker. And where the fucker worked(air boat place) was confirmed in a blog post. I also deduced the new town and state. So finally getting to my point, I searched CB's real name on Saturday night and an address came up--the same town and state that I had guessed. Now, the funny thing? All these years later? I'm not really bothered by CB any more. For some reason I just needed confirmation of where the fucker had moved. I guess I just needed to be right.
continued...
The only thing this all really had to do with anything is that I was up til 3am searching on the web. Which leads to...
Sunday morning around 9am I'm awakened by a very intense dream. In the dream I was in what looked like a huge library. I was starting to walk down a large wide staircase and my mother was there. There was some large woman who I took to be a nurse aide and she started to pull my mother down the stairs. Now in real life my mother can't do stairs because of an injury. So this big fucking woman started pulling my mother down the stairs like 'hurry up' and it sent me into a massive rage. I jumped up on her and tried to put her in a triangle choke but she was to big and strong for me so I just started wailing away punching and elbowing until I had her on the ground and I just kept hitting her until my fists were a bloody mess and my arms were gassed out. Then security or the cops started running towards us and I got up and ran. I ran into what appeared to be an office and Regina from OUAT was in there. I fell to my knees and begged her to help me. She magicked away my injuries and all the blood that was on my clothes and then I woke up. I really felt like shit because I had gotten maybe 5 hours of sleep.
That dream disturbed me because most of the time I can't stand my mother but I still have a protective instinct around her. I hate that she has such a hold on me. All day I was upset about my whole situation. I just wanted to cry but I'm not even allowed to have feelings or emotions. If I'm upset she'll just say to me, "Oh, are you feeling sorry for yourself?" When I was a kid and upset and crying I was threatened with "Oh, are you crying? I'll give you something to *really* cry about!"(threatening a spanking) Nice, huh? And when my sister died and we went to pick up her things at the hospital, I went in to get them, my mother stayed in the car. I was strong and didn't break down until I got back to the car. Then I just couldn't take it any more and started crying. Do you know that my mother had the audacity to question me as to why I was crying? My sister died! I'm doing what a normal person would do! BTW, my sister died on Ash Wednesday four years ago. I guess that was in the back of my mind, too.
Anyway, I just felt really bad on Sunday. Lack of sleep, wanting to cry but not allowed to...then thinking about how bad my life sucks...I have no one that I can just see, touch and feel...no love. Just thinking about why I'm so alone. Am I not likeable?
I was really thinking about ways to end it. I have all these implements of death around here but too cowardly to use any. Kinda damned if I do and damned if I don't...you know I'm religious and don't want to take the chance.
Anyway, I watched the new episode of OUAT Sunday night and they are stealing my thoughts and life and putting them on prime time...and I'm not even getting paid! ;) (There was a bit of a Groundhog Day theme going.)
continued...
So that leads to today. I was still in a bit of a funk but had to put on the poker face to take my mother to her doc. When I got home, I got on the internet and saw your comments here and it really made me tear up. Then guess what? I can have absolutely no privacy and 'you know who' comes upstairs and barges into my room. I couldn't let her see me upset with tears in my eyes so I grabbed my cup of tea a second before she came in and started coughing and pretending that I swallowed it down the wrong way so I could have a justification for the tears. Nice way to live, eh? Anyway, she wanted to go out to get a few things so I didn't get a chance to get back here until now. It's nearly 2am...I just waited until after she went to bed.
I didn't want you to worry. I kinda feel like an ass now for getting you worried. I think Mercury in Retrograde is messing with me maybe? LOL
I looked at the PD help forum tonight and I'm always amazed that there are people there who have had very similar experiences to mine. There was actually someone talking about how they were not allowed to show emotions or cry. It's nice to have a sort of validation from that.
I like to think talking to you helped this improvement come about. Thanks. :) No, thank YOU! You keep me half sane. If it wasn't for you, Arekino, I really don't know what would keep me going.
Oh! Almost forgot one other thing that was pissing me off. My mother and the work situation. I think I'll just make a post of it because it really annoys me.
But back to you...I'm sorry if I worried you. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you. ::hugs:: Sorry for the drama.
Sorry for the drama
That's fine. I'm just glad you're okay.
my mother can't do stairs
'you know who' comes upstairs
This sounds inconsistent.
wanting to cry but not allowed to
That sucks. After your last post I wanted to asked you if you ever cry, since it can give you such relief, but I forgot.
This sounds inconsistent. Of course it does. It is. The 'upstairs' is only 3 small ones. She doesn't seem to have a problem there. With the disordered, things are usually only a problem when it's something they don't want to do. It's hard to prove, though. She *does* have a back injury. I've seen the x-rays. But she has always had a history as long as I can remember of 'ailment drama.' It's rather convenient, isn't it? No one can prove *how* she is feeling. For PDs, irony is completely lost on them. They are allowed to have feelings but no one else is. It's all about them.
I just want to share a couple quotes from the PD help forum--I find them validating:
"I’ve always had the contrary of emotional support from my mother. Growing up, there were no I love you’s, but there was plenty of criticism, abuse, and making fun of my feelings and emotions. I can’t easily express myself, I am not healthy or balanced in a emotional regard at all. I can’t have feelings and emotions around my mother."
And:
"I don't know if this is something your moms do, but whenever there is something to be emotional about...[gives example]...she kept saying I don't know why he is crying so much..he hadn't even talked to her lately...Any time I would cry as a result of something she said or did, I got in trouble. Even if she was already whipping me with a belt, I "got it more" if I cried, and until I stopped crying. So now, I have emotional issues, but especially around her, my feelings shut down."
And(okay, the couple turned to three):
"I used to smile and laugh ..and now I feel empty. I'm not sure what caused this ...maybe being exposed to npd is fatal to the soul."
Yeah.
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