A couple lists...
...that I ganked from a PD message board. I thought they were interesting and they save me the time of having to do an actual post!
This first one is by someone named Jane Middleton-Moz.
Some characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:
1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.
2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.
4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."
6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and make-up in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.
16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholics, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
This second one can also be applied to those who were raised in a dysfunctional home.
Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, According to Tony A's List:
• Become isolated
• Fear people and authority figures
• Become approval seekers
• Be frightened of angry people
• Be terrified of personal criticism
• Become alcoholics, marry them - or both
• View life as a victim
• Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility
• Be concerned more with others than themselves
• Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves
• Become addicted to excitement
• Confuse love and pity
• 'Love' people who need rescuing
• Stuff their feelings
• Lose the ability to feel
• Have low self-esteem
• Judge themselves harshly
• Become terrified of abandonment
• Do anything to hold on to a relationship
• Become "para-alcoholics" without drinking
• Become reactors instead of actors
Many adult children of alcoholics lose themselves in their relationship with others, sometimes finding themselves attracted to alcoholics or other compulsive personalities - such as workaholics - who are emotionally unavailable.
Some AC will also form relationships with others who need their help or need to be rescued, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. If they place the focus on the overwhelming needs of someone else, they don't have to look at their own difficulties and shortcomings.
Often, adult children of alcoholics will take on the characteristics of alcoholics, even though they have never picked up a drink: exhibiting denial, poor coping skills, poor problem solving, and forming dysfunctional relationships.
This first one is by someone named Jane Middleton-Moz.
Some characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:
1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.
2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.
4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."
6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and make-up in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.
16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholics, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.
17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
This second one can also be applied to those who were raised in a dysfunctional home.
Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, According to Tony A's List:
• Become isolated
• Fear people and authority figures
• Become approval seekers
• Be frightened of angry people
• Be terrified of personal criticism
• Become alcoholics, marry them - or both
• View life as a victim
• Have an overwhelming sense of responsibility
• Be concerned more with others than themselves
• Feel guilty when they stand up for themselves
• Become addicted to excitement
• Confuse love and pity
• 'Love' people who need rescuing
• Stuff their feelings
• Lose the ability to feel
• Have low self-esteem
• Judge themselves harshly
• Become terrified of abandonment
• Do anything to hold on to a relationship
• Become "para-alcoholics" without drinking
• Become reactors instead of actors
Many adult children of alcoholics lose themselves in their relationship with others, sometimes finding themselves attracted to alcoholics or other compulsive personalities - such as workaholics - who are emotionally unavailable.
Some AC will also form relationships with others who need their help or need to be rescued, to the extent of neglecting their own needs. If they place the focus on the overwhelming needs of someone else, they don't have to look at their own difficulties and shortcomings.
Often, adult children of alcoholics will take on the characteristics of alcoholics, even though they have never picked up a drink: exhibiting denial, poor coping skills, poor problem solving, and forming dysfunctional relationships.
posted by Xul at 3:20 PM
8 Comments:
Wow, that's a long list of attributes. I'm not sure what is meant by "adults shamed as children" and in how far this is considered extraordinary. I mean, everybody does some stupid things as a child and probably feels ashamed about it. I guess the shaming needs to be persistent over a long period and undeserved?
Some of the items on the list I recognize in myself... but it's a long list so I guess that's bound to happen? Maybe there's a bit of the Forer Effect going on? Anyway, my parents are not alcoholics.
Do you recognize yourself in some of these descriptions?
Do you recognize yourself in some of these descriptions?
Sure. A lot of these used to apply to me, like #'s 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15, and 19(Which I like to call 'ruminating'. I could mull over something for days.) and the first five in the second list. I was a hot mess.
I think in my case there was a combination of things to damage my self image. I had the "Chinese Tiger Parents" who made me feel stupid and ashamed for minor "mistakes" and then the very strict school that I went to.
The second list was posted at the PD forum because there was a discussion that alcoholic homes are inherently dysfunctional so the list could apply to dysfunctional homes in general. I found it interesting.
I guess the shaming needs to be persistent over a long period and undeserved?
Yes. I was shy around strangers when I was a kid and the ones used on me the most were "What is *wrong* with you?" and "Do you want people to think that you are *backwards*?" That second one fucked with my head the most. I developed a complex where I thought that people thought that I was stupid and judged my every word and deed.
And the constant contradictions where my mother would brag about how smart I was (now I had an impossibly high expectation to live up to) and then berating me when I didn't get 100% scores or all A's. It's *fun* being both a genius and an idiot.
Oh! And let me not forget! I'm going to bust on my dad too because he is responsible for the other most damaging head-fuck. He had the fucking audacity to tell me that boys are better at everything than girls and girls can *never* be as good at things as boys.
Your parents are like a perfect storm of bad parenting. :(
It's *fun* being both a genius and an idiot.
I'm surprised you didn't split in half ;P My mother never berated me in such a way, she just never trusted me and any mistake was/is a sign of immaturity. Same with my dad really except a mistake is like a betrayal to him (although only if it effects him). It's very difficult for him to admit a fault of his too. I know my dad suffered some physical abuse as a kid at the hands of his father. At the time this was considered normal. That would explain this attitude in part. Even when I was a kid spanking (kicking, hitting, pulling at hair or ears) was a fairly normal thing to do to a disobedient child. I don't know how that affected me but I was a fairly sensitive kid so...
Was there any physical abuse in your case, besides the mental and emotional abuse?
19 has always been a big one for me too. Even remembering little mistakes can hit me like a ton of bricks.
Forgive my absence until just now, but I was enthralled in a real page-turner-- A Princess of Mars. I've never gotten through 326 pages so quickly! I started last night and just *had* to finish it up today. Not even with Hannibal did I get through a book so fast!
I'm surprised you didn't split in half ;P
Well, this blog *is* called Dark Light. I readily admit my duality.
Was there any physical abuse in your case, besides the mental and emotional abuse?
I know that my mother suffered severe neglect as a child. Her father was an alcoholic and her mother was gone most of the time having affairs with other men. It was a viscous cycle--her father drank because he felt sorry for himself and her mother did what she did to escape the drinking.
Being from England, her father was a sort of Victorian disciplinarian, but I don't think he abused my mother of her sister. There were other things they suffered due to the neglect, which I'm not comfortable sharing because it's not really mine to share.
My dad's family was dysfunctional in that his dad was very chauvinistic and his mother was big bitch. He and his brothers are extremely petty and used to fight over food at dinner amongst other things. My dad lived at home until he was 35 IIRC and no one ever thought that he would get married because he was so weird and had such a nasty temper.
As for me, my parents never physically abused me. There were spankings mostly from my mother but that was rare as I was a very obedient child. I do remember being terrified of my father and his violet temper.
One of my earliest memories--I must have been a toddler, 2 or 3 maybe?--and as normal to toddlers who are trying to assert their own will, my father told me to do something and I apparently objected, I must have told him 'no' or something, and he flew into a rage and was going to beat me.
Well, I wasn't hanging around for that! I ran upstairs to the spare bedroom(what is now my bedroom). My mother used to keep it closed from me with a hook at the top of the door. I put my shoulder into the door with such force that I broke the hook off and the door opened.
My mother used to have the spare bed piled with clothes and laundry in a big heap. I remember diving headlong into the pile and hiding under all the clothes. My dad came after me shortly and searched the room--under the bed, in the closet, behind the door--but he didn't look in the pile of clothes. I remember him being pissed off and I think my mother eventually calmed him down. He's such an asshole with his temper and irrationality.
He and my mother fought almost every day that I can remember. He is a lazy and unambitious asshole and had to be goaded into doing even the most minor of things. That was the cause of most fights--my mother's henpecking.
He's also very petty and must always retaliate against perceived wrongdoing. It's all so very exhausting. Toward the end, he was getting physically violent with my mother and then with me. Even as annoying as my mother can be, physical violence is inexcusable IMO. Fun environment to be raised in...NOT!
19 has always been a big one for me too.
Trust me, you can beat that. :)
A Princess of Mars.
That's the one they based the movie on, right? I bet the book is better, given the reviews the movie got.
It's all so very exhausting.
Must have been hard to feel safe with those two around. Worse so than it is now.
Hey, today the sun came out and it's been grrrrrrrreat weather. So I went on that bike ride this Saturday morning and took some pics. I'll send them over ASAP. :)
I bet the book is better, given the reviews the movie got.
Okay, here's the scoop. I really hate coming into a movie already biased because of bad reviews. That's what happened with me. The first time John Carter was on, I watched a few minutes into it and it wasn't that great so I didn't give it a chance because of all the bad reviews that it got.
So the other night, as I was flipping through the channel guide for something to watch, the last half hour or so of John Carter was on so I flipped over just for the hell of it. Well, the last bit wasn't so bad. That got me curious.
Wednesday, I went looking for A Princess of Mars online since that was what the movie was *supposed* to be based on. I didn't get a chance to really get into reading it until Thursday night. It was a real page turner and a good read--lots of continual action--and I got so engrossed with it that I finished it on Friday. That's the fastest I've ever finished a book!
So the verdict: the movie wasn't really the story of A Princess of Mars, it seems like a totally different story with a few elements of Princess and the second book The Gods of Mars. Just going by the ending, which wasn't so bad, I'm going to give the movie another chance when it's on again on Sunday night. Then I can give a proper review. I think I won't judge it so harshly after having read the Princess book.
Now i kinda like some of the things that they did with the movie. The bad reviews are Disney's fault. They really have something wrong with their marketing. I think you'll recall me bitching about that in regard to OUAT? ;P
As a side note, I could pass as a dead ringer for Dejah Thoris. ;P Especially the "roguish dimples playing at the corners of her mouth" and the Frank Frazetta renderings. ;P I do indeed have rogish dimples! ;P ;P ;p
So I went on that bike ride this Saturday morning and took some pics
Woo-hoo!!!!
Hi there, are you still sleeping because you watched that late John Carter movie? :P
Or are you busy writing that new post?
We've had another beautiful day here. Looks like summer is finally taking off.
are you still sleeping because you watched that late John Carter movie?
No, I got up at the regular time. :)
Or are you busy writing that new post?
Yes. :) Except it rained last night and the intertoobs is filled with water again and my connection is wonky. I'll try to get the new post up anyway.
I wish had da moneyzzz and could spend my summers abroad. It's much too hot here. Have fun storming the castle! ;P
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